A Scholarly Paper by a Scholarly Man

ince time immemorial scientists, philosophers and Haddaway alike have sought the answer to a very puzzling question: what is love? Today, by the miracle of science, careful experimentation and intelligent hypothesis, the answer to this age-old inquiry may be within our grasp.

For eighteen years the Institute of Human Attraction and Aggression [tried to think of some witty acronym, couldn’t, fuck it] has been carrying out experiments that may shed some light on the nature of psychological attraction, or ‘love’ as it is termed in the lay population. Their findings point to a very surprising conclusion: ‘love’ is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. What follows is a concise written recreation of the processes of love and attraction on a hormonal level as well as an analysis of the evolutionary basis of love.

When two people meet, they do not always fall in love even if they are gender-compatible. This is an obvious claim which has been reconfirmed by numerous experiments funded by federal grants. Thus, we stipulate that there must be something that triggers the process of falling in love, or to be more clinically precise: the process of "temporary, non-binding physical attraction based on intangible psychosocial characteristics". We have yet to identify this trigger; we are relatively certain, however, that it is not constant.

For some, the trigger may be a phenotypic characteristic as simple as eye color, earlobe shape or pinky-toe orientation. For others, the trigger may be more complex: a certain sense of humor, or a manner of speaking. The trigger may either be a product of the phenotype or of the personality, both of which are reflections of the genotype, research suggests. Thus, the trigger is based, indirectly, on the genotype. This has an evolutionary basis in that it encourages only compatible members of a species to breed and produce productive offspring. The reproductive combination of non-compatible genotypes may result in deformation, physical or mental retardation or other genetic problems (such as being Polish) as well as halting the evolutionary progress of mankind. Thus ‘love’ is meant to serve as a protection against ‘anti-evolution’, as it were.

Love then, is triggered by a compatible genetic makeup, this provided for more successful reproduction in the early stages of human development when factors such as wealth and social standing were not taken into account and the production of body odor was a method of communication, not an offense. The entire pattern of compatible combinations was endangered during the Victorian age when marriage was a union of socially compatible rather than psychologically-attracted persons. This resulted in a period of 'reverse evolution', heralded in by the likes of Jane Austen and Charolotte Brontë, during which the species Homo sapiens lost several valuable millennia of hard-earned genetic advancement in addition to several beneficial phenotypic traits that to this day remain lots to us, such as wings, and gills. Some fossil records also suggest that humans once had forked tongues, I do not even need to explain how this would be a boon to society[1].

On the personal level, love is much more complex. When two genetically compatible units of the same species (or in some documented cases difference species) make contact, production of a hormone, identified as FuK-37, is initiated by the cerebellum in the pituitary which stimulates the brain's pleasure center, the nucleus accumbens. This hormone also causes the unit to experience the symptoms that we often associate with love: shortness of breath, weakness in the knees, light headedness, slurred speech, compromised bowel control and the intense urge to urinate, inability to walk a straight line and incoherent thought patterns. These same symptoms may also be achieved by consuming inordinate amounts of alcoholic beverages which contain small amounts of a FuK-like compound found in many natural sugars and enhanced by the fermentation process. There is a chance that one of these meeting units, or neither of the units, will experience the increased FuK-37 production (Note: This variable factor was eliminated from the laboratory stages of the experimentation by synthetically increasing the blood alcohol consentration (BAC) of each participant to 0.70, thereby making them much more susceptible to ‘love’). This chance of non-reaction accounts for the relatively rare occurrence of true love in uncontrolled environments.

There also seems to be an evolutionarily established inhibition against falling in love with a near relative, such as a sibling, no matter how compatible the genetic sequences. This, of course, is to increase genetic diversity and mixing and hence evolution. Let it be noted, however, that this inhibition, which is genetic in nature, may be removed by the introduction of a retro-virus (found most prevalently in Poland) or in some conditions by alcoholic stimulation of the cerebrum. This rarely occurs under natural conditions, but cases have been noted, mostly in the mountainous regions of our test area, in which siblings, or very close relatives have entered into relationships. These genetic mutants are glibly dubbed ‘rednecks’ by the lay-person and can generally be identified by their uncouth appearance and their quaint hillbilly twang (See: You May Be A Redneck If: An in-depth study of genetic misappropriation).

Once the abnormal production of FuK-37 has begun and the process of falling in love has been initiated, it will last an average of three to four years. In rare cases it will last considerably longer (up to approximately seventy-nine and one half years) or much shorter (approximately three days) (Note again: Attraction induced by alcoholic FuK-37 may last as long as three minutes or less, depending on the individual, and is not subject to the same species and gender restrictions as natural attraction). The subsequent attraction the infected individual will experience makes the initiation of a relationship and possible reproduction much easier. The imbalance of neural hormones lasts for only three years, hypothetically, because this is the amount of time it takes for procreation and the raising of offspring. However, as our race evolved and children became more parasitic in nature, often living off their parents for as long as eighteen years, the FuK-37 imbalance, or ‘love syndrome’, has not increased in duration.

The use of mind-altering drugs, such as Tylenol, and hallucinagens such as spinach, that are so readily available in today’s society, has made us less susceptible to the love syndrome by suppressing the hormones that initiate it. However, this introduces another major problem. Those same mind-altering drugs seem to have increased the sex drive of contemporary humans. Love is no longer needed prior to the initiation of a sexual relationship although we often claim it is. This may be due to the fact that lust and love are caused by similar hormones acting on related portions of the medulla oblongata.

Today, the FuK-37 imbalance is often corrected before offspring are fully independent and the relationship is terminated naturally. This explains why 98% of all examined marriages ended in divorce, including a rather odd simian-sapien relationship that was induced synthetically by alcoholic FuK-37. In the other 3.5%, the parents become attached by a bond of friendship before the FuK-37 imbalance is corrected. Friendship, unlike love and lush, has yet to be linked to any cortextual chemical imbalance and is believe to be an instinctive form of altruistic behavior or possibly a symptom of mental illness.

In conclusion, ‘love’ can be called a hormonally-induced psychological phase, a genetic leftover yet to be eliminated through natural selection and evolution that benefited our prehistoric ancestors in survival and procreation but inhibits our advancement as a race. It is much like the dislike of vegetables that many children have, or the infatuation that many females have with using synthetic, animal-tested, FDA-approved dyes and face paints to alter their physical appearance.

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