here hasn't been a story recently because I've been working on this gem. Now, this isn't a story in the same sense that the other entries in this section are stories, because this one is true. At least, it's mostly true. I'm not really a time-machine broker. But the rest is sorta true. It all began one wonderful Monday when I checked my email. Spam. Porn. Junk. Shit. Crap. Nothing worth reading, until I stumbled upon this correspondence from judy25:

From: <judy25@deutschland.de>
To: <josef212@hotmail.com>
Sent: Monday, August 04, 2003 5:02 AM
Subject: Dimensional Warp Generator Needed eba

Hello,

I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company here by the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation 3 52 4350A watch unit, and they fled on me. I am going to need a new DWG unit, prefereably the rechargeable AMD wrist watch model with the GRC79 induction motor, four I80200 warp stabilizers, 512GB of SRAM and the menu driven GUI with front panel XID display.

I will take whatever model you have in stock, as long as its received certification for being safe on carbon based life forms.

In terms of payment:
I dont have any Galactic Credits left. Payment can be made in platinum gold or 2003 currency upon safe delivery of unit.

Please transport unit in either a brown paper bag or box to below coordinates on Monday August 4th at (exactly 3:00pm) Eastern Standard Time on the dot. A few minutes prior will be ok, but it cannot be after. If you miss this timeframe please email me.

Latitude N 42.47935 & Longitude W 071.17355 and the Elevation is 119.
WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRANSPORT ITEM BY REGULAR MEANS OF TELEPORTATION. THEY ARE MONITORING AND WILL REDIRECT THE SIGNAL!!
I DO NOT CARE HOW YOU HAVE TO GET IT HERE, JUST DO IT IN A WAY THAT NO SPYING EYES WILL POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO REDIRECT THE TRANSFERENCE. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU BE ABLE TO MONITOR THE TRANSFER.

Although those coordinates are a secure guarded area, these channels through email are never secure. Unfortunately it is the only form of communication I have right now.

After unit has been sent please email me at: info@federalfundingprogram.com
with payment instructions. Do not reply directly back to this email.

Thank You

july
y ed ofebth a g r hz ddpvxqksm srszwtsulrnmkhn
ya puounnbnh aip
n h hdymz

Poor soul. Being a kind and generous person, I felt that I should help out judy25@deutschland.de. Unfortunately, I had missed the August 4th, 3pm deadline by a day. Fortunately, that is no problem for time travelers! In fact, I think I'll change the date on my computer so that she will know that I am from the future.

From: <josef212@hotmail.com>
To: <judy25@deutschland.de>
Sent: Wednesday, August 05, 2093 3:23 PM
Subject: RE: Dimensional Warp Generator Needed eba

Judy25:

Regarding your recent inquiry about purchasing a dimensional warp generator: I may have what you are looking for.

I am sorry to hear about your failed business dealings with LLC Lasers. In my experience, they have been both inconsistent and uninspired in their service. The benefit of being in the time travel business, however, is that you can always go back before making a mistake and warn yourself. Haha. That's just a little future joke, something to brighten the mood. Now, to business:

I have only the Generation 3 52 4350C model in stock. The differences between this and your defective Generation 3 52 4350A are mainly aesthetic. As I am sure you've seen in the May 2053 edition of popular science, the 4350C was rated top Dimensional Warp Generator of the year and is completely safe for carbon-based life when used properly. In addition, the 4350C is much sturdier than the 4350A and will breakdown much less often. This model should be suitable for your needs.

We are prepared to transport the device as instructed in a plain brown box to the coordinates you specified in your email. As soon as you confirm the order, we will transport the package to Monday, August 4th, 2003 at 3pm or earlier.

Don't worry about this correspondence being monitored by authorities. I have installed eBlock v8.0i which should guard against even the most sophisticated electronic surveillance methods. As for the device being redirected during transport, we have dealt with sensitive deliveries such as yours in the past and pride ourselves on a 100% success rate (the ability to travel through time makes this much simpler). Though we cannot disclose our methods, rest assured that the device will arrive as requested.

We accept payment in any form other than Discover card. The price for this unit is $49.95. There is a $20 factory mail-in rebate available when you buy two if you are interested.

Please respond at your earliest convenience,
Orin Chunder
Sales Manager
Chrono/Trigger Industries

There, that should do it. In a moment, I shall be in business with Judy of the future.

From: <judy25@deutschland.de>
To: <josef212@hotmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, August 07, 2003 4:34 AM
Subject: RE: Dimensional Warp Generator Needed eba

Hello Mr. Chunder,

Thank you for the response. I am very interested in your product but I would prefer the Generation 3 52 4350A because I am not familier with the Generation 3 52 4350C Dimensional Warp Generator.

If this is all you have in stock it will be fine if it meets the specifications I outlined in the previous email. Please transport unit to the coordinates Latitude N42.47935 & Longitude W071.17355 and the Elevation is 119.

Once unit has been sent, please email me at: info@federalfundingprogram.com with payment instructions. Do not reply back to this email, it is not secure.

Thank You

july
y ed ofebth a g r hz ddpvxqksm srszwtsulrnmkhn
ya puounnbnh aip
n h hdymz

Curiouser and curiouser. I couldn't help but wonder: what is that gibberish at the end? At first I thought it was a typo. A very long typo. Or maybe Judy just vomited on the keyboard. Could be some futuristic address too. I guess they don't use vowels as often in the future. No time to worry over that, I've got business to conduct.

From: <josef212@hotmail.com >
To: <judy25@deutschland.de>
Sent: Saturday, August 07, 2094 4:13 PM
Subject: Your order

Dear Ms. July,

To quell any fears you may have developed about the 4350C, I assure you that it is more advanced than the 4350A which became outdated in the late 22nd century with the introduction of the new Flux-Capacitor™ technology the 4350C utilizes. This new technology allows for destination time planning down to the second. Additionally, the 4350C introduces customizable face plates in several styles and a longer life battery. We will send the unit as soon as we receive confirmation from you that this is acceptable. For the sake of convenience, you may provide us with a credit card number. This will expedite the order, as I know time is of the essence here. Haha, another joke on my part.

Please, Judy, do not worry about the security of this correspondence. I have installed the most sophisticated surveillance blocking software and equipment. Our communiqués are quite safe from spying eyes.

Yours,
Orin Chunder
Sales Manager
Chrono/Trigger Industries

uphzv e cpw nchq ccvhk ckipnwn.
ime hvpb j

I hope Judy likes my future jokes. She's seems a little on edge. Perhaps they will relax her and make her forget that she is stuck in this primitive world.

From: <judy25@deutschland.de>
To: <josef212@hotmail.com>
Sent: Monday, August 11, 2003 3:42 AM
Subject: RE: Your order

Hello Mr. Chunder,

Please dont respond to this email. I prefere that you send further communications to info@federalfundingprogram.com. THESE EMAILS ARE NOT SECURE. For consolation of the services you are providing me, when you send a message to info@federalfundingprogram.com, I will send information to you about no risk easy to procure loans and grants. As you are a business man, these might be helpful for you. I am ready to receive unit at the location I have sent earlier.

Thank You

Hmm. Federalfundingprogram.com, huh? No-risk grants and loans is it? Now I see your scam, Judy25. You aren't really from the future are you? You're just some internet spammer trying to fool me? You tricked me, you bastard.

From: <josef212@hotmail.com >
To: <judy25@deutschland.de>
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2095 6:10 PM
Subject: Top secret

Dearest Judy,

The unit is ready for shipping pending the receipt of your credit card number. I need only one more bit of information before this transaction can be completed. We have two decorative faceplate styles available free of charge. We have the very popular Hello Kitty faceplate, which is pink, and we have the slightly less popular Rainbow Bright faceplate, which doubles as a nightlight. I prefer the Rainbow Bright model, as I am terrified of the dark. Once you have chosen a style… wait, what was that? I'm sorry, Judy, I've been a little jumpy as of late. I keep having the feeling that I am being watched. It must be nothing. As a precaution, I have labeled this email 'top secret' in the subject line. This should protect us from the authorities. Anyhow, let me know which style you prefer.

Your friend,

O.C.

Silly Judy. Haven't you realized by now that I won't be sending any mail to info@federalfundingprogram.com. You may think you tricked me, vile wench, but no, I am too smart for your wily ways.

From: <judy25@deutschland.de>
To: <josef212@hotmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, August 14, 2003 3:23 AM
Subject: RE: Top secret

Hello Mr. Chunder,

Once again, I remind you not to respond directly back to this address. These messages are very sensitive. Either model is fine, I only want to return to my own time. Please send the unit as soon as possible and send confirmation to info@federalfundingprogram.com. I have talked to the people at Federalfundingprogram.com and they say that because you are an honest and helpful person to me you are approved for several no risk fundings which will surely be helpful to you as a business owner.

Thank You

djf akljptr n.mnq k

Preapproved, huh? I knew my honesty in business would pay off one day. Just last week I got six pre-approved credit cards in the mail, all because I'm an honest and helpful person, no doubt. I love karma. Still, despite my honestly and helpfulness, Judy refuses to provide me with her futuristic credit card number. I doubt she even has a credit card of the future. No matter. I don't really have a time travelling device to sell her anyway.

From: <josef212@hotmail.com >
To: <judy25@deutschland.de>
Sent: Tuesday, August 14, 2096 5:34 PM
Subject: Urgent! Open immediately (This is not a virus).

Judy!

I feel that I must warn you! Someone may be onto us. I was followed all day by a strange looking man. It could be nothing but given the sensitive nature of our dealings I thought you ought to know. Now that that's out of the way, I will be sending you the Hello Kitty™ model as we are overstocked. Send confirmation that this is acceptable and we will be in business.

Yours,
Orin C.

Oh, no! Jean Claude Van Damme and his team of time travelling detectives are onto us!

From: <judy25@deutschland.de>
To: <josef212@hotmail.com>
Sent: Friday, August 15, 2003 3:23 AM
Subject: Please dont reply

Mr. Chunder,
I cannot say how important it is that you do not write me to this email address. Send all messages to info@federalfundingprogram.com. Please send unit immediately.

Oh, ho, she's getting tricky now! She put 'Please dont reply" as the subject heading. It was at this time that I knew I was not dealing with a normal internet spam-mailer. Time to turn on the juice…

From: <josef212@hotmail.com >
To: <judy25@deutschland.de>
Sent: Friday, August 16, 2097 3:12 PM
Subject: RE: Please dont reply

Judy:
I am preparing to send the Hello Kitty™ Generation 3 52 4350C Dimensional Warp Generator, rechargeable AMD wrist unit with the GRC79 induction motor, four I80200 warp stabilizers, 512 GB of SRAM and the menu driven GUI with front panel XID display as you requested. I will even throw in a Dolby 83.1 digital surround sound headphone set (so that you might better hear the 4350C's customizable ring tones) and a complementary Britney Spears 100th anniversary commemorative edition CD with the hit single "Hit me, baby, one more time because I like it rough." As a side note, that creepy guy is still… Wait, someone is at the door. Oh shit! They're here! Save yourself, Judy25, before it's too…

Insert witty segue here.

From: <josef212@hotmail.com >
To: <judy25@deutschland.de>
Sent: Friday, August 16, 2097 3:14 PM
Subject: RE: Please dont reply

Judy,
Just kidding! The time police are not here. I need confirmation of your credit card number before I send the device.

O.C.

Two days pass and no Judy.

From: <josef212@hotmail.com >
To: <judy25@deutschland.de>
Sent: Monday, August 18, 2098 2:10 PM
Subject: Judy? Judy25?

Judy? Where are you Judy? How about that credit card?

Ok, now I'm getting worried.

From: <josef212@hotmail.com >
To: <judy25@deutschland.de>
Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2099 4:27 PM
Subject: Judy? Judy25?

Judy?

No! My friend Judy has been taken away by the time-popo!

From: <josef212@hotmail.com >
To: <judy25@deutschland.de>
Sent: Thursday, August 21, 1980 3:52 PM
Subject: Oh no!

Judy!!!


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