ot to be a downer or anything, but tragedy can strike at any moment. You could be walking down the street and trip over a sleeping hippy and fall flat on your face and crack your chin. Or maybe your favorite puppy could die in a freak gasoline fight accident like the late great Drew Barrymore. Or, worse yet, you could be the prince of some African country no one has heard of, like Sierra Leone, and your family could have been brutally murdered leaving you with only twenty-eight million dollars, an estate in Europe and bittersweet memories. And then you would have to write emails to random people on the world wide internet using your computer machine to try to get the money to America so your family can start anew. None of us are safe.

I've done a few prank emails before and so I decided that I had the experience, the confidence and the know-how to take on the notorious Nigerian scammers. Boy, was I right.

Here is a letter from Mr. Prince Didon Allen Esquire. He's a bit wordy, so I'll sum up: I have money, I will give you some if you help me to do something that I could easily do myself if I really had money, but you're a stupid American so you probably never thought of that, email me back.

We'll see who's the stupid American. Muwahaha.

From: "didon allen" <princedidon103@fsmail.net>
To: <weert@yahoo.com>
Subject: help/get back asap please
Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 15:26:34 +0100 (CET)


Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Prince Didon Allen, a Sierra Leonean refugee residing in one of the european countries under the United Nations refugee status .I am 26 years old and i got your contact through an email web directory on the internet and decided to approach you for HELP. My late father, Chief Ceesay Allen Conteh, was one of the prominent Gold, Diamond and Timber dealers in my country. He was also one of the paramount chiefs before he was brutally murdered in cold blood on the 6th of January, 1999 alongside my three elder brothers and a sister by the rebels of R.U.F loyal to one of the tyrants(late fodeh sankoh) in my country(SIERRA LEONE).I got home from school to find that my family was eliminated and our entire country home and belongings razed down, fortunately my mother and sister managed to escape and are presently refugees in South Africa under united nations refugee status, while I managed to escape to europe.

However, before the tragic incidents my late father deposited the sum of TWENTY EIGHT MILLION US DOLLARS ($28,000,000) as a family Valuables and belongings in two trunk boxes with a Security and finance Company here in Europe. Now, with the consent and backing of my mother as the next of kin, Although the true contents of cash money is not known by the company as the boxes were deposited as family valuables by father. Hence,because of my political status I need a reliable and trustworthy person who will make the claims of the boxes as beneficiary of the consignments and importantly after the claims have been made would see to the wise investment of the funds on our behalf without faulting because i have been made to understand that as a refugee i am not permitted by the U.N LAWS to handle such transactions, and besides my movement is restricted as a refugee.

My mother and i are willing to give you 25% of the total sum if you will be willing to assist us in this matter. In addition, we have also agreed to deduct 5% after the transaction to cover any expenses incurred during the duration of this transaction

We are willing to entrust our share of this money into your hands if you can be honest with me as you very much know that our future is hinged on this funds. If you find it in your heart to render undying assistance to my mother, sister and I please get back to me promptly through my above contact so that we can discuss the finer details of making this transaction safe and successful. I will equally insist that you make this transaction a very private and confidential matter. Upon your acceptance, I will make available relevant documents and information to you with regards to the consignments that will enhance the successful and 100%risk free finishing of this transaction. I am looking forward to your anticipated co-operation and reply soonest.and please endeavour to reply via princedidon104@netscape.net for confidentiality.

Kind regards,

After I read this heart-wrenching plea for assistance, I couldn't help but laugh. I mean cry. I couldn't help but cry at the plight that Prince Allen had fallen into through no fault of his own. Rich sons of "prominent Gold, Diamond and Timber dealers" shouldn't have to suffer so. Suffering is for the poor. So I wrote him back, offering up my aide. Notice how I artfully insert innocuous curse words. Notice how he don’t notice. More on this as it develops.

From: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
To: <princedidon103@fsmail.net>
Subject: Help is on the way!
Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 13:37:52 -0800 (PST)

Dear Your Highness Prince Didon Allen,

I am sorry to hear about your father's demise and the shit state of your family. I would love to help as I do not feel that anyone should fuck have to go through this sort of ordeal without the help of friends, family, and cock complete strangers from the world wide internet. Please let me know what I can do to help.

Your humble friend,
Orin Chunder

The next day this prince responded with two copies of the following letter. Again, he seemed at no loss for words despite the fact that he writes English about as well as a mute Chinaman. I'll sum up once more: thanks for responding, dumbass, I have you in my fraudulent clutches now, but first I must make sure that you have enough money for me to bilk. Oh, also, he says I must be trustworthy and God fearing for this internet money transfer scheme to work. Hmm, how about agnostic and incredibly handsome? Is that close enough?

From: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
To: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
Subject: RE: Help is on the way!
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 09:21:28 -800 (PST)

Dear Sir,
Thank you so much for your response and willingness to assist my family and i quite understand your skepticism but i must asssure that this is a very serious ,legal and legitimate proposal,so i like you to take it very seriously ,the picture is this ,as I stated in my coresspondence to you,before my dad was brutally murdered by the rebels ,he deposited 28 million dollars in two trunk boxes with a security firm in the netherlands as family valuables and presently i'm seeking assylum here in the netherlands so i cannot possibly make the claims because the U.N laws governing refugees does not allow for me to handle such transaction and besides i'm very inexperienced and can be easily intimidated. Now with the full consent of my mum who is seeking aassylum in south africa with my kid sister ,i'm to get a trustworthy and GOD fearing person to whom we will transfer ownership of the consignments to legally and legitimately,who will now make the claims on our behalf as the family's foreign partner and beneficiary/trustee of the consignments who after the successful claims of the consignments will help us invest our share of the funds 70% into vaible,risk free and profit yielding bussinesses in your country.until our travel documents are ready so that we can join you in your country.

Sir we are willing to give you 25% of the money for your assistance and support,and 5% of the money would be used to offset any expenses that will arise on both sides during the duration of this transaction which i believe would not take time,once i have your consent i'll notify my attorney to prepare the transfer of ownership documents which is the power of attorney in your favour as the beneficiary of the consignments,which will give you full authority to claim the boxes ,once it is ready the security company would be given a copy of the documents making you the owner of the consignments,then you'll contact them and let them know when you'll be coming over to the netherlands to put claims to the consignments and find out from them what you'll be required to come along with. that is all. Sir do know that this consignments were deposited in 1998 and they have accrued some demurrage, so i'll plead with you to assist us pay of this demurrage and clearance charges one this is done the consignments will be handed to you. But our greatest fear is that once the consignments have been cleared ,you do not swindle us knowing that we would not be able to go back immidiately with you to your country because of our status as refugees. but i believe you are a sincere and GOD fearing man so our fear is erased. Sir,the family holds this transaction very seriously as it is our only hope of a better future and re-uniting with my mum and sister considering the sufferings we have been through over the years so i'll like to find out some things from you

1, what do you do for a living and what is your country of residence
2, what kind of investment do you think you will put our funds into
3, Are you a family man
4, have you handled such transaction before
5, will you be able to pay for the clearance and demurrage charges of 12600 euros
6, how soon can you come to the netherlands to put claims to the consignments

Sir please be very plain with me as we have to build trust between us. i hope to hear from you soon, and please i'll need your tel/fax numbers for better communication,presently i do not have a phone but i'm try to get one for the purpose of this transaction, but i'll try to give you a call soon once i have your number.so that we can talk better and i'll rather this transaction is kept very confidential as just myself and mother are aware of this consignments deposited with the company and we would not want people to put their eyes on us and the transaction knowing the amount of money involved.

Kind regards
Prince Didon Allen

I like his mention of my skepticism in the opening of this letter. I thought I hid that pretty well. Perhaps this internet prince is too smart for me and I should just give up now. Or perhaps I should fuck around with him a bit more. Yeah, I like that option better. Time to take the crazy pills and get to work:

From: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
To: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
Subject: I love ice cream
Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2004 18:02:49 -0800 (PST)

Dear Prince Allen,

First things first. Please, call me Orin, I don't feel cock comfortable being called 'sir' by someone with whom I will soon be entering into shit such an important business transaction. I fully understand your fucking fears as this is your family's future we are dealing with, but I assure you that not only am I a GOD fearing man, but I will not double-fucking-cross you either. When I was young, I learned to be trustworthy in the goddamn boy scouts.

Now, to answer your questions:
1. I live in the mother fucking United States of America, where I work as a piece of shit entertainer. I mainly work with children, making funny fucking faces and balloon animals when they cry. That sort of thing.

2. I've given quite a fucking bit of thought as to what I would invest my shit-fucking share of the money in, and... now, this is pretty goddamn embarrassing, so I trust that you will share this with no one, but my goddamn dream has always been to have my own ice cream cock truck. I can see myself now, driving down the shitty street with all the barefooted little Mexican kids running after me, asking what they can buy with a nickel. Of course, they can't buy anything for a fucking nickel, because this is the 21st century, but I sell them Popsicles and ice cream cones anyway, because it breaks my heart to see tears in their destitute little eyes. I love children. Fuck.

3. I was a family man once. But my ex-wife said I drank too fucking much and that she would never forgive me after the incident. I would really rather not talk about that shit. My little girl is ok now, though, and the limp is almost gone. She's taking to the false teeth quite well, so it seems that all is well and all that is behind me now.

4. Unfortunately, I haven't handled fuck fuck fuck transactions like this before. However, I did once take a hundred dollar bill to the Bank of America on the corner to get it changed for twenties for the MacDonald's manager I work with (shit), so I feel that I am relatively confident in dealing with monetary affairs.

5. I have quite a bit of money saved up from my entertainment fucking jobs. How much is 12600 euros in real money?

6. Because of the flexibility of my employment, I can come to the Netherlands post haste. That means right fucking away.

Please, respond as soon as is convenient so that I can begin helping you to get your life back on track. It pains my heart to see people suffering as you are.

Your friend,
Orin Chunder

And we're off! I start out with a nice simple letter, nothing too drastic, nothing to clue this fareign prince into my dastardly ulterior motive. The motive of comedy!

From: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
To: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
Subject: RE: I love ice cream
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 04:04:01 -0800 (PST)

Dear Orin Chunder,
I really want to thank you for your mail and willingness to assist my family, as i said our fiture depends on thse funds. However, there is no need to do curse words in these affair. The way forward now will be for you to send to me your full names as it appears on your international passport and your address so that i can forward to the attorney to prepare a legal documentation transfering ownership of the Trunk boxes to you as owner/beneficiary of the boxes after which a copy will be forwarded to the company for their official notification and consent,then i will then send to you all relevant document with the company's contact particulars so that you can contact them directly and find out from them their actual requirements and notify them on your arrival date to amsterdam so that an appointment can be sceduled for us to come and claim the boxes. please it is important you note that it is on the basis of this legal documentation that you will have full legal authority to claim the boxes rom the company so do forward to me the info i have asked for. Please sir i will also need your tel contact so that i can call you for us to discuss better. With regards to your investment plans at the end of this transaction you will not need to drive any icecream truck yourself as we will be ablwe to afford a chain of icecream trucks all over the US and i will like to find out what real estate investment is like in your state. I hope to hear from you sir and please i will like to give you a call so furnish me with your tell number have a great day and God bless you

prince didon

“There is no need to do curse words.” Hmm. I never thought of it that way. I guess they do things differently abroad. Very differently. As you can see this princely prince is trying to lure me in with promises of sweets, just like that creepy old man who stands across from my elementary school and touches himself. But instead of lollypops, Prince Allen is promising me a whole chain of ice cream trucks. And he wants to find out about real estate investment opportunities in the U.S. This must be legit then! Well, there's an empty house right next to mine, you could move in there! And then we could be the best of buds. We'd go for long walks through the park and have candle lit dinners and perhaps even hold hands. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Unfortunately, I forgot to respond to this last email for a few weeks. I was busy drinking or something. And then I got this frantic follow-up:

From: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
To: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
Subject: please do not abandon me sir
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 08:22:16 -0800 (PST)

Hello sir,
I just wanted to find out if all is well with you as i have not heard from you,i hope you got my last mail,sir please i beg you from the bottom of my heart not to abandon me and my family as we have been through a lot of pains and agony. please i need to hear from you so that i can know your position on this matter. Have a great day and God bless you.
prince didon allen

Awww, how sweet. He’s concerned that perhaps I’ve lost interest in losing my money to him. No such luck. Onward!

From: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
To: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
Subject: RE: please do not abandon me sir
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 20:08:31 -0800 (PST)

I am so very sorry that I took so long to respond, but don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you, my friend. I would like to apologize for the curse words. I have Tourette’s fucking syndrome and so sometimes I can’t help myself. Especially when I drink. Fuck ass.

Anyway, I've been away for a bit. You see, I was fucking driving to a job at a goddamn birthday party for little piece of shit Timmy last week and I was fucking late so I was driving rather quickly. Long (cock) story short, I ran into a school fucking bus because I don't drive too well when I drink. The asshole kids in the bus came out to point and laugh at me, so I hit one with my goddamn bottle of Jack. Don't worry, he's just fine, and most of the fucking teeth he lost were baby teeth. Anyway, I got back in the car and fucking drove off, my clown suit was torn and my shit fucking makeup was mussed so I was pretty angry and I missed Timmy's birthday. I hate to think how fucking sad he must be, but there was little I could fucking do. I had to hide out from the authorities until the goddamn heat blew over. On top of all that, when I got home, my bitch mother had gotten out of the motherfucking basement again and had messed all over the asshat house. Needless to say, it's been a rough week, but never fucking fear, I will always be here for you in your time of need. So, how was your day?

I remember vaguely in your last email you requested some ass shit fuck cock information. I don't remember all of the questions you asked, but I'll answer what I remember:
1. My full name as it appears on my passport if "Orin Jay Chunder", and that's spelled O R fuck I N space J A Y space C H U N D E R.

2. My telephone broke when my cock face ass shit fucker mother's head ran into it repeatedly a few days ago, but the repairman is coming on fucking Friday, so hopefully we will be able to chat in person soon. I yearn to hear your voice.

3. My bank is Chase Fuck Manhatten Bank and I have a Young Cocksucking Savers account with them. I was hoping to save up enough goddamn fucking money to buy an ice cream truck so that I might lure children with the promise of tasty sweets, but I feel that your cause is much more worthy.

4. No, I do not like peas.

I hope that is enough to start the shit fuck process, please, let me know what other information you require.

Your friend,
Orin Chunder

And then nothing. I'm not sure exactly what was so off-putting about my last letter but I received no reply for more than a week and I was beginning to worry for Mr. Allen's safety. Perhaps those same vagrants who had butchered his father and eaten the flesh of his brothers had finally caught up to my dear friend. Oh no! Please Prince Didon Allen, be ok!

From: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
To: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
Subject: Please, your highness, don’t abandon me either
Date: Wed, 4 Feb 2004 17:37:46 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Prince Allen,
I haven't fucking heard from you in a few goddamn days and I'm beginning to worry. I hope that your father's ill-fated fate hasn't also befallen you. Please don't abandon me in this matter. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I've been here for you through thick and thin, you can't just discard me at the side of the curb like last weeks TV fucking goddamn dinner. I thought our friendship meant more than that to you. I know I've had my share of problems with the drinking and the goddamn mother fucking kids, but you've helped me turn everything around. I'm finally beginning to get my life back on shit fucking track, please don't back out now. I need you as much as you need me.

I Love You,
Orin Chunder

If this plea doesn’t touch Prince Allen’s heart then he is not human. Who can resist the tender advances of a Tourette’s afflicted alcoholic child-abuser? That’s right, no one.

From: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
To: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
Subject: RE: Please, your highness, don’t abandon me either
Date: Thu, 5 Feb 2004 06:39:48 -0800 (PST)

hello sir,
i am at a loss as to what you want me to do ,i have clearly told you the picture of everything,i need to know if you can come to amsterdam and if you are able to help offset the charges and you have not said anything and i must confess to you that i haqve a funny feeling that you are not commited with the transaction, do note that if you are for real and not fooling arround, then this is the best thaing that can happen to you. i need to know your commitment to seeing to the successful conclusion of this transaction. send to me a copy of your passport so that the attorney can use to prepare the legal documentation tranfering ownership of the boxes to you. i have to clearly hear from you if you think you can handle this transaction as there is not room for clowning arround. i await your response so that we can move ahead.

prince didon

Um, yeah, I dunno what’s up with the subject line on this next one. I was listening to my favorite Duran Duran song and it touched me.

From: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
To: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
Subject: I just died in your arms tonight
Date: Mon, 9 Feb 2004 18:33:40 -0800 (PST)

Prince Allen,
I assure you that I am quite fucking serious, one look into my baby blue eyes should tell you that. Shit shit shit fuck. I've never been more serious about anything in my life. Except perhaps balloon animals. I'm sorry if I come across as being a little bit in-fucking-sincere, but I just get very excited when my dream of owning my own ice fucking cream truck is so close to being realized. I can come to Amsterdam as soon as you would fuck like shit me cock to, you need only give me a date and I will book passage. I have quite a few frequent flyer miles saved up on my goddamn Southwest card. I think they have a special this month on flights to Amersterdam so I can book a ticket with them fuck. They always give little bags of those peanuts that I fucking like. The sweetened ones. The salty ones make me pee. But I must know where I am to fucking fuck meet you. Amersterdam is a big place and I've never fucking been there. Frankly I am frightened of traveling across the world to meet a goddamn pedophile stranger with whom I have corresponded only over the internet. I don't mean to call you a fucking stranger. I mean, I feel as though I almost know you by now. But I hope you understand my position. Shit cock. As an act of good faith, I have made a copy of my passport to send to you. Where would you like me to fucking send it? Is there an address I can send it to? I hope that this assures you that I am indeed fucking shit fucking shit serious about this matter. Please respond at your earliest mother fucking convenience.

Yours always and forever,
Orin Chunder

And away we go…

From: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
To: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
Subject: RE: I just died in your arms tonight
Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 06:18:21 -0800 (PST)

dear orin chunder
I thank you so much for your mail, i quite understand that amsterdam is a big place, but is i have your arrival details i will wait for you at thae airport in amsterdam(schipol),i will leave camp to come and wait for you so it is important you let me know your flight details and arrival time. You can send me the copy of your passport through email,scan and send it so that the lawyer can prepare the transfer of ownership document in your favour as the beneficairy of the trunk boxes. Please i ask that you show a little more commitments by sending teh sacned copy of your passport so that we can move ahead. I want to know when you can arrive amsterdam so that I can take permission to leave camp and come and meet with you and also proceed to the company immediately to retrieve the boxes.

i hope to hear from you very soon
prince didon

Ah, no address, huh? Don’t want me to know where you live, do you, you little con man? Well, two can play at this game of cat and tortoise.

From: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
To: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
Subject: Saved by the power of love
Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 16:18:13 -0800 (PST)

Dearest love,
Unfortunately, D. Allen, I do not have a fucking scanner. I have made a goddamn copy of my passport and included it as a shit fuck cock attachment with this email. I hope this is shitty shit shit sufficient in providing the information you requested. Please let fucking me know if you will be requiring any other data from me.

I have a bit more fucking good news for you as well. I have booked passage to Amstergoddamn this weekend. I will be arriving at 3 fucking pm on Saturday. You should be able to suck a fuck recognize me from my picture on the passport, but I thought it might be fun to wear an identifying bit of clothing. Like in You’ve Got Mail. Fuck, I love that movie. I will wear a fucking pink dress and if you could wear a blue hat I would be elated.

I miss you so much, my love.

O. Chunder

Here’s the copy of my passport that I sent him. Apparently it wasn’t enough because afore long I got this devastating letter in return. Prince Allen, it seems, was not so open to my advances as I had hoped. He hath spurned my love and left me on the side of the street like some ill-fed pauper. In the infamous words of The New Kids on the Block or someone: stop playing games with my heart!

From: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
To: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
Subject: RE: Saved by the power of love
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2004 06:43:52 -0800 (PST)

I do not think your taking this sereously.

Not taking this seriously? Whatever do you mean? I have no idea what you are insinuating Prince Allen. Or should I say Prince Spam-Mail-Fraudster! Take this:

From: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
To: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
Subject: Saved by the power of love
Date: Thurs, 12 Feb 2004 18:53:01 -0800 (PST)

I don't think you're not an idiot. Anyway, I'm kinda bored of this. What are you wearing? Do you wanna have cyber sex?

And then nothing, again. God, this Prince Allen is so testy. I don’t think I want to play with him any more.

From: <orinjchunder@retardedpirate.com>
To: "didon allen" <didon_didon1004@yahoo.com>
Subject: Saved by the power of love
Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 13:42:34 -0800 (PST)

Is that a no?

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