love spam mail. In a small way, it's something like the home shopping network: it brings to your attention products that you never knew existed, never knew you wanted, and never do anything that might be described as "working properly". Except that, unlike the home shopping network, spam doesn't offer 100-piece limited collector's edition knife sets for $19.95 and you can't turn it off. No, it slowly seeps into your in-box like some genetic cross between a used car salesman and kudzu, filling Thomas's nooks and crannies with the rancid butter of "fire your boss and work at home while enlarging your genitals with our all natural herbal supplement that lowers your mortgage rate too!" And who doesn't like rancid butter?

I got this here email message and I felt that it would be a crime against God to not harass a company that makes claims like those below. And so, without further ado, my second email prank attempt:


From: <Danielle Erickson>
To: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2003 5:43 AM
Subject: must see this

The Antidote
Kills all known deadly viruses
and bacteria in the body


This will cure any common cold / flu
Extremely helps malignant diseases
cancer, hiv, sars etc..
A disease must be made DORMANT
to stop infection and this new product will do so!!


NEW REVOLUTIONARY CURE

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE

WE ARE THE ONLY COMPANY WITH THE RIGHTS TO SELL THIS
PRODUCT. ALL Major Drug Companies are trying to get rights to sell this.
WE WERE THE FIRST TO extract this wonderful new product,
and only us.

$$$$$$$$$$$$-$>

Not sure exactly where I want to go with this one. Let's start this one out nice and normal-like:

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Saturday, August 27, 2003 3:13 PM
Subject: RE: must see this

Dear Danielle Erickson,

I heard about The Antidote from the Internet. They told me you could help me with my illnesses. I would be interested in receiving more information about The Antidote. Are you really the first to extract this wonderful new product, and only you? How can I get my hands on this product which ALL Major Drug Companies are trying to get the rights to sell?

Yours truly,
Olivia Newton

I'm a patient man, but after a week of no response from Ms. Erickson (if that is indeed her name) I began to get worried. How do they expect to sell their snake oil if they don't respond to prospective suckers… I mean customers? Maybe this will get their attention:

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Saturday, October 4, 2003 2:46 PM
Subject: Halp!

My baby's sick! PLEASE SEND HELP!!

Thank you,
Olivia Newton-John

That should do it. And it did:

From: <Danielle Erickson>
To: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
Sent: Monday, October 6, 2003 4:58 AM
Subject: RE: Halp!

Ms. Newton-John,

I am sorry to hear about your baby, but I'm only a forwarder. If you need information about a product, please visit the site listed on the original email message.

Thank you,
Danielle Erickson

Oh ho, very clever Ms. Erickson. I see that my wits may be matched, but you shan't be getting away with this that easily. Have at thee!

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Monday, October 6, 2003 2:13 PM
Subject: RE: RE: Halp!

Ms. Erickson,

MY BABY'S EVEN SICKER NOW! She's not making no noise at all, she just lying there real quiet like in the box I keep her in. I CLICKED TO LEARN MORE and saw your Internet WEBSITE on the WORLD WIDE WEB but I couldn't find anyone to ask about your NEW REVOLUTIONARY CURE! I need something that extremely helps malignant DISEASES!! And I need it fast! Could you please send me The Antidote!?!

Urgently,
O. Newton-John

I don't know what that caps lock crap is all about. I think the volume control on my email account is busted.

From: <Danielle Erickson>
To: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
Sent: Wednesday, October 8, 2003 5:23 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Halp!

Ms. Newton-John,

You need to visit the site listed on the original email if you want more information. If your baby is sick, maybe you should just order some of the antidote directly from the site? I don't know anything about this product.

Danielle Erickson

You don't know anything about the product? Then why the hell are you sending me emails about it? I like the clever suggestion that I simply stop bugging her and go buy a product about which she knows nothing but advertises anyway. Well, this is what you get, Ms. Erickson, for being a spammer. PD the interwebnet vigilante knows no fear and he will pester you for weeks with poorly worded emails!

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Thursday, October 9, 2003 3:42 PM
Subject: Please, do it for the baby

Dearest Ms. Erickson,

You DON'T know anything about The Antidote? But you just sent me an email message about this NEW fangledREVOLUTIONARY CURE of yours. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Your email letter said you waw the ONLY ONE TO SELL THIS PRODUCT! I need something to make my baby's DISEASES dormant!!1! I tried ordering The Antidote FROM YOUR WEBSITE page, but it says I have to WAIT TWO weeks! In two weeks MY BABY COULD BE DEAD!!! I really need your help, Ms. Erickson! Please, don't ABANDON me like that PUNK Danny ZUKO, with his GREASY HAIR AND SMOOTH MOVES!.! He left me right after I got knocked up and now I have to raise my baby ALL by myself. I don't know nothing about babys, Ms. Erickson. And I don't know nothing about sick babys. I need your help to kill ALL KNOWN DEADLY VIRUSES AND BACTERIAS! in my baby's fragile little body. What am I supposed to do while I wait for The Antidote to come?!?

Pleadingly,
O.N.J.

There we go, I'm appealing to her softer side. Perhaps this crazy lady from Grease really does need my help, thinks Ms. Erickson. Perhaps, if I don't help her, some horrible fate really will befall this poor infant.

From: <Danielle Erickson>
To: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
Sent: Saturday, October 11, 2003 5:31 AM
Subject: RE: Please, do it for the baby

Olivia,

I really don't know anything about illnesses. Maybe you should take your baby to the doctor?

Danielle

A-Ha! Looks like we have a bite. And it appears that Ms. Erickson is warming up to me. No more Ms. Newton-John, now it's just Olivia. Sucker. Still hasn't seemed to notice that I keep my baby in a goddamn box. You know, just to add a sense of urgency, let's end every sentence with an exclamation point! Or two!!

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Sunday, October 12, 2003 3:11 PM
Subject: Auntie Shrew, Timmy needs medicine!

Danielle,

Oh, thank you, thank you so much for caring! Your a true friend!! I really don't know WHO ELSE OT TURN TO!! But I can't take my baby to the DOCTOR! I'm afraid that those bastards will amputate MY BABY'S GOOD LEG or something! I read a lot of those stories on the television about doctors AMPUTATING LEGS THAT DON'T NEED AMPUTATING! I already tried putting A NEW DIAPER in my baby's box! THAT DIDN'T HELP NONE! And the gin DIDN'T HELP NEITHER. What am I to do?!!!

Your friend!
Olivia

I wish I had a baby in a box. It would be so cute. I could teach it tricks. Except babies aren't so good with tricks. I could, like, poke it with a stick when I'm bored though. That would be fun.

From: <Danielle Erickson>
To: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
Sent: Tuesday, October 14, 2003 4:39 AM
Subject: RE: Auntie Shrew, Timmy needs medicine!

Olivia,

How do you know that your baby is sick? Sometimes babies just get fussy. How does she look? I can try to help you but I need to know more.

Danielle

Hahahahahaha, she really thinks my baby is sick. Hahahahaha. She's so dumb. Oh, the wonders of the interwebspacenet.

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Saturday, October 18, 2003 3:14 PM
Subject: My baby has SARS!

Danielle,

YOU ARE SO KIND Danielle! I really don't know what I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU. I can't really tell how she looks, it's real dark in my baby's box! But she's NOT MAKING NO SOUNDS, not even when I shake her box!! And when I TRIED TO FEED HER last week, she didn't move or nothing! I even tried SHOUTING AT HER. That usually makes her cry! but not this time!! What if MY BABY HAS SARS OR AIDS, Danielle? What should I do?

Olivia!!

I can't think of anything witty to write here. Fuck it. Keep reading. Not that I expect anyone to get to this point anyway. You've probably both left by now anyway. Maybe this isn't as funny to everyone else as it is to me. Maybe I should have drawed more pictuars.

From: <Danielle Erickson>
To: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
Sent: Sunday, October 19, 2003 4:32 AM
Subject: RE: My baby has SARS!

Why are you keeping your baby in a box? I don't think that's right. Maybe you should call a doctor. I'm sure they won't amputate your daughter's leg.

I really don't think Ms. Erickson is reading my subject lines. I spend a lot of time and effort on those bad boys. Let's try an experiment:

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Sunday, October 19, 2003 3:53 PM
Subject: Enlarge your cock GARANTEED!!

Danielle!!

I keep MY BABY IN A BOX! Because I don't HAVE NO CRIB! I do have some really nice boxes though! I have one IN THE KITCHEN! because I don't HAVE YOU FRIDGE! But the bears they got into that one! And I had got a box IN THE LIVING ROOM because I DON'T GOTS NO TELEVISION!!! But that one caught on fire! And then I got ONE ON THE BACK PORCH for my baby to live in. Do you want a box, Danielle? I've GOT A FEW EXTRAS!! Maybe I'll mail you one for FIXING MY BABY with your the Antidote!!

Your pal,
Sandy

Hmm, this is getting pretty stupid. Oh well, that's what the internetwebpagesuperhighway is for.

From: <Danielle Erickson>
To: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
Sent: Monday, October 20, 2003 4:28 AM
Subject: RE: Enlarge your cock GARANTEED!!

Olivia, you need to take your baby out of the box so that you can see what's wrong with her. Then you need to take her to a doctor.

Nope, not reading the subject lines. But I've more important things to worry about! Like my baby!

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Monday, October 20, 2003 3:12 PM
Subject: Enlarge your baby GARANTEED!!

I can't TAKE HER OUT OF THE BOX!! SHE WILL piss AND shit ALL OVER the doggone place! I've got a better idea! I BORROWED ONE of them fancy SOLAR FLASHLIGHTS from Jed! HE LIVES NEXT DOOR!!!! And I shined it INTO THE BOX right in my baby's eyes!! My baby DIDN'T MAKE NO FUSS OR NOTHING!! Not even when I hollered "hey, wake up, BABY. BABY, wake up!" That usually gets her right up I tried shaking the box around nice and rough too, but my baby just kinda flopped around! What does it mean, Danielle? What's WRONG WITH MY BABY?!?!

O.

DEAD BABY!! I think that one kinda scared Ms. Erickson. She didn't write me no more for a bit.

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Sunday, October 26, 2003 2:14 PM
Subject: Free carwash, Tuesday at the church

Don't worry none, DANIELLE, I GOT ME The Antidote. This will CURE MY BABY RIGHT UP and make her DISEASES DORMANT. I'm not so sure how this STUFF WORKS THOUGH, I don't read so good, BUT I FIGURED THAT if I just kinda crush some of The Antidote up NICE AND POWDERY like and sprinkle it on my baby, she'd wake right up. So I did that AND ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS I got me some of The Antidote in my eye. It stings something fierce, Danielle. But your NEW REVOLUTIONARY CURE didn't work none! What am I supposed to do now?!?!??!!!?!

Ah, the plot thickens. Apparently this whole The Antidote thing is a crock of shit.

From: <Danielle Erickson>
To: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
Sent: Tuesday, October 28, 2003 4:43 AM
Subject: RE: Free carwash, Tuesday at the church

Olivia, you need to call a doctor. If you don't, I will. Your baby is in a lot of trouble and the authorities need to know.

Oooo, she's trying to get The Man involved in this The Antidote debacle. I'd better set her mind at ease 'afore she do somethin' foolheaded.

From: <one_eyed_petey@retardedpirate.com>
To: <Danielle Erickson>
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2003 2:14 PM
Subject: Oh no!

Danielle,
Everything is a-ok now! My baby's gone! I think Jed took her. He likes to collect things. Thank you for all your help and support. Even if you’re The Antidote didn't work.

Love always,
Olivia


Copyright © 2003

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