he country is in chaos so I have decided to run for President. I think there is some kind of age limit, or something, though, so my candidacy may have to wait a few years, but it can't hurt to start campaigning now. I've never voted, so the mess we're in now is obviously none of my fault. As they say in Poland: if you're not part of the problem, you're part of the solution.

The past few presidents have brought shame to the administration and by the transitive property of the body politic, to their constituents. Bush has tarnished our reputation worldwide. Clinton had sex with ugly women. I don't care about the sex, I would even applaud him if he hadn't lied and if the women he bucked did not resemble a pack of mongoloids who had been hit in the face by the ugly truck. Paula Jones had to have plastic surgery before she appeared on television just so she could garner a rat's ass worth of public sympathy. That's gotta tell you something. Come on, Billy C., you were the most powerful man in the free world and you porked skanky ape-women? I promise, if you elect me, I will only have extra-marital affairs with attractive women. And I won't lie about it. In fact, I'd tell everyone: "The president has called a special session of Congress to let everyone know that he just did Catherine Zeta Jones up the ass. Michael Douglas had this to say, 'hell, I just can't compete with that PD guy. I hear he has an enormous...' Sorry folks, lost the feed. In other news: France surrenders."

As my running mate, I choose Captain Jack Sparrow because he don't take shit from no one. And he's one crafty mother fucker. My friend Orin Chunder can be Attorney General since he watches a lot of Law and Order and he's not a prick like Ashcroft.

Sounds, good, but am I qualified? The soiled clothes in my laundry hamper are more qualified than the monkey in the Oval Office now or the lech before him or the horse's ass before him or the dozens of other animal body parts who have been elected or stolen the election in the past decades. Now that that's out of the way, on to my platform:

I will be running on a platform called "Honesty: it's better than lying like a piece of shit, filthy Texan". I may have to censor this for primetime television to "Honesty, Integrity and a Touch of Heart". Essentially, this means no more covert bullshit. We didn't invade Iraq for weapons of mass destruction, or WMD's as everyone seems so fond of calling them. Saddam was no threat to us or anyone else except perhaps the Iraqis. Don't believe me? Look how easily we kicked his sandy ass. Look what our extensive searches have turned up. Jack shit. I don't mind invading countries, but at least be up front about it. Bush invaded Iraq so Cheney could get a bonus from Haliburton who got the contract for the oil reserves there. Shock and Awe.

As president, when I invade Canada, I will be completely honest about how I simply had those damned canooks, our tacit neighbors to the north, and want their real estate. Likewise, when I invade Mexico, I will inform the American peole that I simply wish our unfortunate cousins of spanish decent would take back that ugly ass dog from Taco Bell.

If you elect me, we wouldn't have any of this "Patriot" Act, return-to-McCarthyism, 1984-style controle nonsense. And I will let people make their own goddamn choices. I am pro-choice in everything: pot, third and fourth trimester abortions, you name it.

I would revoke the citizenship of stupid people. They muck everything up. And I would reform the judicial system: jails work about as well as being sent to your room. Especially if your room is populated by husky repeat-offenders with a penchant for butt sex. How about public lashings? We need to bring cruel and unusual punishment back. As Heinlein so pointedly pointed out, it's the only way to deter crime and halt recidivism. I don't mean we need to skin litterers alive. The punishment ought to fit the crime. Child molesters should be molested. In the ass. Rapists should have their balls cut off. Drunk drivers should be used as crash test dummies. And none of this death row for fifty years crap. Test the DNA. If they did it, kill them. If they didn't, don't make them rot away in prison, wasting tax dollars. Executions should be quick and cheap. It costs tens of thousands of dollars to electrocute a man the way we do it. What happened to hangings? Or firing squads? That shit was cheap and I'm sure being shot in the head is much less painful than having 10,000 volts run through your spasming body until your hair bursts into flame, your bowels empty and your eyeballs squeeze themselves from their sockets. Yeah, so no more of that shit.

There will be no deficit if I am elected. I have a tried and true method of balancing the budget: don't fucking spend money you don't have. We never hold politicians accountable for their mistakes (unless you're Gray Davis). Bush should have to pay the deficit if he doesn't balance the nation's budget at the end of his term.

And lastly, I would execute Drew Barrymore for being an affront to humanity. That's pretty much it. I think that with your help, with the confidence symbolized by your vote, I can start to turn our country around. No longer will we be the foolhardy laughing stock of the world. Nay, we shall once more be highly regarded and all the world will cower before my army of flying monkeys.

Copyright © 2003