feel sorry for ugly people. I don’t mean the ones who look okay but don’t take care of themselves. They’re just silly. I mean the ones who will be ugly no matter what they do. They just have ugly genes. There’s an abundance of ugly people in Berkeley where I live -- foreign grad students, smart people, hippies – and every time I see one of these homely bastards, I laugh. Wait. That’s not sympathy. Okay, I guess I don’t feel sorry for them, per se.

It would suck to be ugly, though. No, don’t laugh, think about it. Think about all the pointing and jeering they must have withstood in elementary school and junior high and, actually, I guess all of their lives. They get paid seventy-five percent less than women, that is, if they can find a job that hires “uglies.” They have to sit at the back of the bus and drink from separate water fountains. If you’re ugly, you’ve got no life. Just scorn and people who pretend to be your friends but snicker and mock behind your back. Think about how much people go through in order not to be ugly. Nipple enlargement surgeries. Botox injections. Plastic titties, noses and asses.

It’s gotten so bad that people have started filing wrongful birth lawsuits. They don’t like the way the baby looks, it has too many toes, not enough eyes or no brain, sue the obstetrician. What the fuck? You baked the brownie, you fucking eat it… Or at least raise it and send it to college or something. That settlement’s gonna buy Bobby a new face, or whatever else it was he was missing so he can have more friends.

Ugly people need love too. Not too much though, wouldn’t want them to get uppity and think that they’re just like us. What if your kid is born ugly, you sue the doc, get paid, yadda yadda, and then junior grows up and turns out just fine? Do you have to give the money back? Some ugly kids do grow up to be cute, you know. It’s the babies that are born cute that should worry, they’re the ones who’ve got something to lose when puberty and manhood and that bus that was going way faster than you thought as you drunkenly crossed the street last night after a kegger, hits you in the face. Once you’re cute, you can loose it. Just look at Macaulay Culkin. We know why you were home alone now, you bratty mother fucker. But if you’re ugly, you can make it at least a few rungs up the ladder of physical idolatry, if you try hard. Just look at… actually, no one comes to mind, but I’m sure it’s happened before.


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