ou know what pisses me off? No, other than Oprah. And other than everything else I've already whiningly complained about. Fake cuss words and the people who use them piss me the fuck off.

You don't cuss at all? Great! I don't mind if you would rather use your brain power to seek out other means of expressing your questions, comments and complaints. As for me, I prefer to use my cognitive capacity for other shit-fuckingly useful things. Like imagining you naked. I don't even mind if you wish to speak more colorfully than a Tourette's afflicted construction worker. It's all those in the middle I despise. They refuse to cuss and yet they use fake swear words like 'heck' instead of hell and 'crap' instead of shit and 'darn' instead of fuck and 'homo' instead of faggot. What is this candy-coated nonsense? We all know what you mean, so just fucking cuss already. Here, I'll help, repeat after me: Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. OK, that's a good start. Now: with more heart.

You're honestly not fucking fooling any-fucking-one, we know you're thinking the same as everyone else, you sick-minded fuck. I've met many a silly boy who cringes at the word fuck but mouths off with a stray dang-it, darn-it or dagnab-it at every turn. Just say fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck is a silly word. If it didn't have the social stigma we have attached to this naughty phoneme you'd think it were some onomatopoeic fight-word from the Batman TV show, right up there with "GLOOP!" and "FFPOW!". Regardless, I don't want to see any of this middle of the mother-fucking road bull-fucking shit. Just because you have some non-offensive version of fuck shit bitch cock doesn't make you special. It makes you half-assed. It means you're not intelligent enough to accurately portray your thoughts sans swears and you're not ballsy enough to say "Smoke fucking cock, Ms. Barrymore, I fucking hate you." If you're going to imprecate, then go all the goddamn, mother-fucking, piece-of-shit way.

I suppose I wouldn't mind so much if the pseudo-swearers weren't so damn cocky about it. "Oh, I'm a good little boy because I only say 'gee willikers' and not that vile f-word." No. Diction plays no part in making you a good person anymore than religious choice. I know. I'm a good, no, a great person even though I haven't been to church since I was excommunicated for pissing in the Holy Water (The bathroom was locked. You should never make a drunk man wait for the john) and I swear like a sailor pissing a kidney stone.

If anything, we need curse words more now than ever. Look at the world. I doubt you can honestly consider the situation in Iraq, the Israel/Palestine debacle, the Bush coup/election, rapidly ballooning obesity and Arnold's gubernatorial bid in California without shouting FUCK at the top of your lungs. If you can, you've too much self-restraint for your own good: take some Exlax.

Yes, we need curse words. Except 'hela'. We do not need a word like 'hela'. Leave it to Northern California, the last bastion of hippy culture, to start another moronic, colloquial trend. Hela? What the fuck is hela? As in "That is hela cool!"? No. No, it's not. The only word worse than hela is hecka. Don't say hecka instead of hela. Hell is not a bad word. It's a goddamn, mother-fucking place. A place I hope you will find yourself shortly if you have ever uttered the word 'hecka'.


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