t's been said that if women ruled the world there'd be no more war. You know, that's probably right, but instead we'd have: passive aggression, welfare for those who can't afford more than eight pairs of shoes and a lot of being friendly up front and then talking shit behind backs.

Meet Georgiana Bush and Saddamite Hussein, the female counterparts of two of our world's most notoriously inept leaders. As we all know, Presidenta Bush and her cohorts have finally captured the fleeing Ms. Hussein who for weeks has hid out in the relative squalor of the penthouse apartments of the Ritz in Baghdad with only eleven thousand shoes, a month old Vogue and a subscription to Cosmopolitan that ends this month. Now Hussein is in the hands of the Americans and the two leaders are finally brought face to face.

"Oh, my God, I love your shoes, did you get a haircut?" Bush exclaims on meeting her daddy's nemesis.

"Oh, my God, yes I did! Your skin is so smooth and soft, what product do you use?" Hussein responds. "You know, we never hang out any more."

"Big hug!" Bush announces and the two embrace. Then Bush leaves Hussein's cell to attend to other matters of state, such as stealing oil from terrorists abroad and creating a widespread state of irrational public panic and anomie strengthened by economic downturn and joblessness at home.

"Fucking bitch. I hate her," Hussein mutters under her breath as the other is leaving. "Who does she think she's fooling?"

Women are the cause of all that ails the world. If Eve hadn't eaten that goddamn apple we'd all be sittin' pretty in a garden of pleasure. Women don't know when to stop. Take anything you want, God said, except the fruit of this one tree. Adam had no problem with this more than generous decree, but Eve? That greedy bitch wanted more, so she ate the goddamn apple then, realizing that she was fucked, she thought she'd drag Adam along with her. So she nagged and whined, using the wily women-tools of choice, until he grudingly gave in. She probably said she wouldn't have sex with him until he ate the apple. Crafty skank.

'Well,' women complain in their defense, 'why was the tree in the garden anyway if we weren't supposed to eat it?' Well, why can't you just do as you're told, woman? Now, get back in the kitchen and make me some pie. And some fish sticks.

Next, we come to Pandora and the goddamn box that she just couldn't let be. Hmm, this box contains all the evils of the world, will I lock it away and guard against it's opening like a man would? Nah, I'll just open it up and ruin the world. Women!

You know what else women brought us? Guilt. Guilt is the Valentine's Day of emotions. Women invented it to use as emotional leverage. There was no guilt before women. What could we have been guilty about? Oh, no, I'm a fat slob who sits around all day watching foot ball, half buried under a mound of Doritos, my girlfriend is going to kill me... oh, wait, there are no women, fuck it. I need more chips.

They are fickle beasts. Should an ugly guy come up to some chick and use a line, oh, let's say he says "Are your parents retarded? (pause for response, hopefully in the negative) Because you sure are special," she becomes standoffish and offended. How dare he! That's sexual harassment. However, if a hot guy comes up and uses those very same words, that poorly put together pickup line is taken as a compliment. This is how sexual harassment suits get started: ugly guys trying to get a date. Ugly people need to breed too, you know.

Men want only one thing... well, maybe two, if you count stake. Women are unappeasable:; even with all we do for them, they are rarely happy. We go to the gym, we shower, shave, wipe and wear clothes. And still they endeavor to find something about witch to bitch. In face, most male insecurities stem from our desire to impress and please women. I've never met another guy who gives a fuck about my penis size. And I'm huge. Without women, it's just a fleshy catheter, an appendage for the passing of urine from the body. Enter women into the mix and it becomes the cornerstone of our estimation of esteem and self-worth.

They even have their own television channels now. They've got Oxygen. Oxygen? Is that meant to imply that this network of televised macramé lessons and tear-inducing Hallmark Specials is a breath of fresh air in a male dominated world? Hogwash. They've also got Lifetime, an entire channel that subsists by airing movies about women being abused by men. Just leave the fucking alchie already, you stupid bitch. You're deluding yourself, he doesn't hit you because he loves you.

They have books too. And I don't just mean those poorly-disguised porno serials they call 'romance novels'. There is a whole pseudo-literary genre for women to read about how hard it is to be a female and how terrible men are. Nonsense filled books like Men Aren't From Mars, They're From Penis or whatever it's called.

You know what else bugs me? Ok, I'll tell you, because that's what I do here: women cheat more and are less likely to feel bad about it, but we're the ones who take the rap for being unfaithful. Women cheat out of revenge, to punish an inattentive lover. Men cheat because men only want two things. And the other thing is steak.

Women want both equal rights and special treatment. I don't get it. They want doors opened for them, they want guys tomake the first move in relationships and they want us to remember their birthdays, anniversaries and even their names. Since we've graciously given equal rights to women, we've had: two world wars, skyrocketing divorce rates and a rapid increase in sexual abuse claims. Coincidence? I think not. You get paid 75% of what we do because we have to buy you dinner, and fifty pairs of goddamn strappy shoes that you will wear for ten minutes before beginning to complain about how much they hurt. Oh, and we have to buy all those dresses that make your butt look fat.

Women are incredibly superficial. We don't notice your new haircut because it looks exactly like the old one. That and we don't give a shit. We're going to loose ours anyway, stop rubbing it in that you can shed more hair in my goddamn shower and on my goddamn sheets than a menopausal chemo patient and still have coverage. We don't care about your shitty haircut and how it makes you look like a boy, at least you'll always have that option.

And then they go for guys just because they have a nice car or lots of money or because they're beautiful or have a big penis or a good personality. And yet, they won't give the time of day to people who have none of these things. Like me. So lonely. And all because women are superficial. Just because I'm burly, sullen and bitter doesn't mean I don't have feelings too. Despite the big ears, I am not made of rubber. If you're interested in getting to know me and you are an attractive young woman or set of twins, email me. No one over 110 pounds or five foot eight, please. Oh, and no one over twenty, I do have standards, you know.

I am going to die fat, ugly and alone.

 


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