o I was at work today, as usual. And I checked my email, as usual. I log onto my hotmail account, expecting 50,000 new messages, none of which are actually for me. Instead, there are only 59 new messages, and I'm reading down the list, deleting as I go all the free barnyard porn and miracle hair restoration and free mortgage junk mail, carefully reading the names on each so as not to delete a letter from a friend.

Half way down the list, there's an email from 'Maryam'. My heart nearly stops, and then begins to beat furiously. Maryam is my room mate. I gasp in excitement, much like a fish whose waterbowl has been upturned (that's how I get when I'm really excited). An email from Maryam? Can it be? Shall I read it now? No, perhaps I ought to wait, so I can savor her words in a more timely fashion. No, I cannot wait. I am about to click on this email from 'Maryam' when I read the subject line: "HUGE COCK GARANTEED [sic]". Why is my favorite persian room mate writing to me about huge cocks? Why did she misspell guarantee? How does she know that I need cock enlargement? Can she possibly see beyond my manly bragging to the deep-seated phallic insecurities in my heart? Perhaps she can. So many questions, so I click. Hoping beyond hope that within this electronic correspondence I will find the answers I seek. The email opens. Apparently it was a different Maryam, one more interested in selling me penis miracle-grow than conversing in a friendly manner. Dammit. Oh well, perhaps tomorrow I will get an email from Maryam, after all, that's the only reason I keep checking my email.

I hate when they put the names of people I know on junk mail. I keep getting this one with the name 'Robert' and the subject line says 'lunch'. I delete it every time, but what if it's actually my friend Robert asking me out to lunch? And what if Maryam really could guarantee me a huge cock? Perhaps she has some secret method that she desires to bestow upon me in an email with a misspelt tag line. Now, when I do receive this huge-penis guarantee from Maryam, I will delete it, thinking it is simply junk. All I do know is that if it weren't for junk mail, I would have a bigger penis right now.

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