enjoy going to the movies as much as the next pirate-infatuated genius, but I've been disappointed with recent cinematic fare. The Hulk? So much promise. How can you possibly screw up a movie about a not-so-jolly green giant who likes to fuck shit up? Ang Lee did a bang up job. I saw The Hulk the first weekend it came out. I plopped my $30 down for a matinee ticket and sat down in the darkened theater. After seeing the trailers and commercials for this "summer smash hit" I was quite stoked. Here I was, overpriced soda in one hand, over-salted popcorn in the other, about to see shit getting fucked up. My nipples tingled in anticipation.

And then the movie began. To my dismay the only action scenes in the movie were those I'd already seen in the commercials. What nonsense is that? The trailers are nothing but action. Nothing but shit getting fucked up. And the actual movie is anything but. Talk about false advertising. The fucking movie was some touchy-feely drama about a son who lost his father and a daughter who couldn't connect with hers. Or something. I didn't really follow. Where's the shit getting fucked up, dammit?!? I did not come all the fucking way down here from my double-wide to see poorly written dialogue performed in an indiscriminately sexy contralto by Jennifer Connelly or to see Eric Bana while he makes his "I need an Exlax" face as he puzzle over what could possibly be happening to his body. Here, I'll tell you what's happening to you: your psycho father got all hopped up on gene-modifying chemicals, fucked your mother and you were the mistake that resulted. Now, doesn't that make you mad? How about you fuck some shit up now? No? You're just going to hold all that rage in? Fuck.

Back to the drama. Eric Bana spent more than eight ninths of this five hour long movie as a boy. He turned into the Hulk like three times. Once to fight a giant poodle of death (yes, a fucking poodle, I'm not making this up). Once to jump way too high. Once to die in a puddle of ice water. Whoop di fucking doo. Yes, I just spoilt the ending. The hulk dies. Deal with it. If you haven't guessed by this point, all I want to see is shit getting fucked up. It's that simple. I don't ask for much. You have failed me, Ang Lee. You have failed me miserably; you couldn't even deliver the simple, unthoughtout carnage I so desperately desired. The carnage that was so skillfully portrayed in the advertisements. I want my money back. No, I want my life back. This movie sucked more life from me than Count Rugen's contraption. The one he keeps in the Pit of Despair. Now, that was a good movie. Listen, do you hear that? That's the sound of ultimate suffering. The Man in Black made it when his true love was about to marry another. My heart made it now when my childhood dreams of seeing a giant, CG man destroy San Francisco and all the hippies who live there were so carelessly shattered by Mr. Lee's misguided vision. Not to fifty, you bastard.

God, I hate movies. The hype keeps getting bigger and the movies keep getting worse. Every goddamn film that ever comes out is a "blockbuster" or a "smash hit" or "the best movie of the year". Every goddamn one. I think someone misunderstood the concept. Best is superlative. There can be only one 'best', you fat fuck. What the hell is a blockbuster anyway? And who chooses the 'best movie of the year'? Obviously not someone who has seen these flicks. Goddamn.

I can't help thinking that the movie industry, like the recording industry, has just stopped trying. If they can claim that every piece-of-shit, I-made-this-on-my-home-computer, unimaginative film is the best movie of the year, why try to actually make a decent movie? I propose a new system of recommendations. PD's coveted "Greatest Love Story of All Time" award. Actually, this isn't new. I've been honoring deserving works of cinematic genius with this award for years, but don't let that cheapen it. Of the thousands of movies I've seen since regaining my sight, only a smattering deserve the honor of PD's seal of approval.

But what is this recondite award? Despite the adjective I chose in the previous sentence, it's quite simple really. In order to be dubbed a Greatest Love Story of All Time a film must actually be good. I tire of being told a movie is a smash hit before it's been released and then experiencing the disappointment that sets in once I've actually seen it. Good movies don't just come along like so many Mongol invaders. A good movie has a certain je ne sais quoi (that's freedom for 'gratuitous violence').The purpose of the Greatest Love Story of All Time award is to identify movies deserving of praise. Movies that entertain and intrigue. Movies that provoke and inspire. Movies with lots of blood.

Here are some examples of the qualities I look for before nominating a movie for the Greatest Love Story of All Time Award:

Of course, there are also some factors that would immediately disqualify a movie from receiving this award. The following are some examples:

Now, doesn't that sound better than this ubiquitous 'smash hit' nonsense?




Copyright © 2003

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