hen I was young, I would delightedly watch Sesame Street, as I'm sure both of you did, every chance I got. I felt that now would be a good time to pay homage to this and other shows that have touched and changed the lives of so many. There are lessons to be learned from Sesame Street. I don't mean that the show teaches how to count or read or anything useless like that. I mean that the show educates kids about the way life is lived in the real world.

We learn that homosexual life partners, just like Bert and Ernie, aren't to be feared. They have feelings too, and they're identical to any other couple, minus vagina, boobs and the ability to bear children. It's the people who live off garbage who should be shunned, for they are nothing but smelly, rubbish-hoarding grouches.

Mr. Rogers teaches kids, too. He teaches our young ones that the creepy looking old man who lives next door is actually quite nice in a soft spoken, cardigan wearing sort of way. He also has access to a wonderful imaginary kingdom populated by puppets and when he touches your naughty parts, he's just being a good neighbor. Don't worry, little Timmy, Trolley just wants to go into the dark tunnel. Don't worry: it'll fit, I promise. Mr. Rogers teaches us that real live postmen, unlike Kevin Kostner, have no respect for the mail that is their charge nor any intention of delivering it for many moons when they can instead play with King Friday and that snooty puppet bitch whose name I've thankfully forgotten. Lady Upchuck or something.

But I really loved Reading Rainbow. It taught kids that they didn't need to actually read books. They could just watch them being read on TV and that's pretty much the same thing. In fact, it's better than reading because the voice actors probably read better than mommy does, with her chain-smoker's voice and third grade edu-ma-cation. So, sit in your doublewide, kids, sit and watch as Kunta Kinte takes a look, it's in a book, a reading rainboooooooooooow. You can go twice as high, can you Timmy? I bet you can if you're staring at color changing butterflies. Fucking druggy kids. After you're done there, switch the channel to something more entertaining, like Thundercats or whatever it is that the kids are watching these days. Better not be Power Rangers. Tight wearing fairies who think they can combine into their ultima-power-mega zords to defeat evil? The only combining I want seen done is Water, Fire, Earth and Heart. Mmmm, Linka. I'll show you combined powers. Oops, getting a little side tracked. I blame thirty-second-commercial-media induced ADD.

Anyway, there is one lesson that overshadows all these. Children's shows teach kids that they should follow their dreams... so long as said oneiric musings and somnolent fantasies are socially sanctioned. We wouldn't want any freckled little girls thinking they could be elected president, would we? Or little boys striving to become sexual advice columnists or airline stewardesses. That'd be just plain silly.

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