get a lot of womens. People always come up to me and ask in awe: "How do you do it, PD?" Well, this is how, a exclusive: PD's Twenty-Three Simple Steps to Seducing Any Chick.

1. Don't Be Yourself: This is perhaps the most important step. Forget about being yourself. If possible forget who you are entirely; this can be accomplished by a blow to the head. Perhaps ask a friend to help. Being yourself never works unless you're a tall, dark and handsome rich asshole, in which case you probably wouldn't be reading this filth. Try to be someone else, it doesn't matter much who you try to be, so long as it isn't who you really are. Dress the way you see the mannequins in the store windows dress. Perhaps wear a bit of expensive cologne or just dab a bit of mouthwash under your arms to mask your natural stench. Girls love a guy who smells nice. They like nice shoes, too. Try to get a pair that looks a little gay but not too gay. Leather shoes with a square toe are good as long as they don't have any buckles. Remember: with chicks, appearance is everything. "So, if I can't be myself," I'm sure you are thinking, "who can I be?" Well, try these on for size:

2. Be Beautiful: This is the easiest way to get women. If you are beautiful, read no further. You don't need any of these other steps; you're a shoe-in. You don't have to be a good guy or have a personality or dress well or even smell nice, just stand there like a retarded cow chewing cud and the women will come to you. We all know chicks dig pretty things, be they overpriced bouquets of roses that will die in two goddamned days anyhow or Keannu Reeves who has the personality of an untrained pet rock that suffered a debilitating stroke. Oh, they say they care about personality, but they lie, those superficial hypocrites. At least guys are honest and up-front about not giving a rat's furry ass about what chicks have to say. When it comes to men, women seem to prefer 'pretty boys' with blue eyes and blond hair. The Master Race. I think this is the greatest Nazi triumph and Hitler's biggest stain on the world: convincing our womens of Aryan beauty. For those of you who have brown hair or who are Asian: have no fear, there is still hope: If you can't be beautiful, go straight to step three.

3. Be Funny: Self-deprecating humor is the best. I tell women that I have a small penis… they think I'm joking. But by the time they find out the truth, it's too late. Humor is an excellent substitute for good looks. If you can make a chick laugh hard enough, her eyes will well up with tears and her vision will blur. Then she can't see how goddamn nasty you are. "But wait, PD," some may say, "I'm not funny or beautiful, can I still benefit from your twenty-three step program?" Well, if you aren't beautiful or funny, then you are pathetic, but that plays right into step number four!

4. Be Pathetic: Women are inconsistent mysteries. If you are hot, they want to bang you. If you are not they will have sex with you anyway: They call it pity sex and it is the only reason most lonely, white guys like me get any action. "But, how can I be pathetic in a sexy way?" you whine. Reading this rant is an excellent start. Beyond that, try to mention in conversation with a hot chick that you live with your mother, collect stamps and are a 32-year-old virgin who is madly in love with her even if you've just met (see step six). Watch Blind Date or Elimidate for ideas. Staying in college for five years as an undergraduate is a nice touch too: subtle but pathetic.

5. Have Low Standards: Ugly women are lonely (read: easy), so if you're looking for a night of carnal passion without the effort of courtship, go to the nearest bar and pick a heifer. If you get drunk enough you can pretend she's the Doritos Girl or whomever, if not, there is an old Polish proverb: In the dark everyone looks the same. The hardest part is dealing with the shame and guilt of sticking your dong in a fat chick with a beard. If you're lucky, your friends won't find out.

6. Be An Asshole: Women don't respect a man who respects them. It's just the way they're wired, but it works to our advantage, as it's easier to be an asshole than to pretend you care. If you're in a relationship forget birthdays and anniversaries (I do that anyway); lie to her constantly about trivial things such as your hair and eye color; be honest about important things such as how it is her colossal ass which makes her look fat, not those stupid pants; and sleep around. Remember this simple rule of thumb: An unfaithful man is a keeper, a faithful man is clingy and pathetic, but not the sexy kind of pathetic. Do all this and she'll only love you more. If you're just looking for a one-night stand, call her bitch or chick or 'ho and don't forget to forget her name. If she has them, hit on her friends, or better yet: sleep with them. If she has no friends worth sleeping with, brag about all the other womens you've slept with or fantasized about sleeping with.

7. Tell Her You Love Her: Don't worry, this doesn't mean anything any more. It's not binding but girls still fall for it. If you can manage, shed a tear or two when you say it. Before you've got the last word out she'll be nekkid and in your bed ready to fake the best orgasm she's never had.

8. On Occasion, Pretend You Care: Nod and say "uh huh" when she babbles at you as women are wont to do. Take her somewhere nice, maybe for Valentine's Day (it's an easier holiday to remember than her birthday, it's already printed on every calendar you buy). Some place chick's like to go, shopping or to watch the sun set. Some shit like that. Just remember to bring a discman and headphones and your Linkin Park CD. Sunsets are often quite long and tedious. Maybe even open a door for her: this will catch her off guard after all the abuse and she'll think that your lack of respect is simply masculinity at its peak. It's rugged. It's rough. It's sexy. Just don't be nice too often, or she'll think you're gay.

If you want to see the other fifteen simple steps for seducing women, please send $19.95 plus shipping and handling (no Canadian money, please) to:

One-Eyed Petey LLC
C/o My parent's attic
1985 Kielbasa St.
Warsaw, Poland, 5C4 3L0

Or you could simply email me your credit card number and its expiration date, I promise I will only charge you $19.95. While you're at it, send your social security number too. I need it for, um… 'tax' purposes.

Actually, there aren't any more steps. I lied. Suffice it to say that the NASDAQ of Love is down and women are a shakey emotional investment. Relationships only end in heartbreak and alimony. If you're lucky you have no emotions. You're a stoic, uncaring sociopath. If you're lucky.

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