eople are goddamn morons. Each and every single one of them. If you don't think I'm talking about you, I probably am. Get this: In New Zealand some cities are planning on making it illegal for kids to buy fast food. This, of course, is meant to keep kids from becoming obese (apparently they've just as much a problem with this as we do in America). I have but one question for those who authored this legislation: Are you fucking retarded?

Has personal responsibility died? It has apparently become politically correct to consider obesity a disease (or rather, it has become un-PC to think otherwise). A disease. That means no one is at fault. You were just sitting on your couch with your four-hundred-pound self, eating twinkies and cheez-whiz, watching reruns of Mama's House and wham bam thank you ma'am, you caught fat. Just like catching a cold.

It's a disease. Just like cancer. It's not my fat-ass fault. So who's fault is it? Ah ha! Before I caught fat, I ate some fast food. It must be those bastards! So now we vilify fast food because it is a cause of this pandemic disease?

Fast food is not like cigarettes. A Big Mac does not contain uric acid, amonia, tar, nicotine or any other addictive substance. Oh, wait... the special sauce! Who knows what's in that. Whatever it is, it must be keeping the kids coming back fo' sheezie. It sure as hell isn't the "all-meat" patties. Or the shitty toys in the happy meals. Or the "I'm a high school drop-out with only one tooth and an obsession with offering you fries with your goddamn fudge sundae" service.

What is wrong with us that we need a scape goat for everthing? Wait, not 'us'. You. What is wrong with you? "Oh, woe is me, I am fat. Must be Ronald Goddamn MacDonald's doing. My kid is stupid, must be the teacher's fault, not the fact that I fed him paint chips as a kid, or my short-bus genes. My kid shot up a school, couldn't be my lack of parenting skills, I shall point my pudgy finger at Marilyn Manson instead. I didn't know that cigarettes were harmful, despite the massive, multi-media campaign that's been going on for ten goddamn years." Everyone wants to blame someone else. Someone else who has money. No money? You obviously don't cause problems.

You know how to make kids stop eating fast food? Bring Ron back. Clowns are scary as fuck. Especially that pedophile Ronald MacDonald. Haven't seen him around in a while, I think he's been reassigned to help kids with cancer (if I had cancer and that red-haired, albino freak visited me everyday, I'd get well too). Ever since he left I've been hearing more and more about how fat everyone else is becoming.

So let's bring the bastard back. Put him out in the MacDonald Land Play Place. Make all the kids crawl through that goddamned claustrophobic plastic tubing to get their happy meals. Ronald would chase them. He can eat any of the fat kids he catches. Then he would throw the carcasses, sucked dry by Ronald's hollow, spider-like fangs into the pool of urine-soaked, brightly-colored balls as motivation for the other kids. We could all jeer and point and laugh. It would be great fun. Like the Thunderdome. Fifty fat kids enter. Only Ronald leaves.

You know what else pisses me off? Other than macramé. This guy in Indiana robs a convenience store. Clerk shoots the bugger. The robber sues for (are you ready for this?) "preventing him from transacting his business" and the "nightmares [he suffers] as the result of this assault upon his life." Assault upon your life? What did you expect? A warm, open-armed reception? Perhaps some flowers and a cup of tea? And what's this 'transacting his business' nonsense? Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Robber, you can no longer continue your string of armed assaults? Shall we reimburse you all the money you could have stolen in the time you spent recovering? I'm glad you're having nightmares. I hope they're about Ronald MacDonald.




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