espite what your politically correct kindergarten teacher told you when you asked where babies came from and little Timmy made fun of you until you cried in front of all the girls, there are stupid questions. And they are generally asked by stupid people.

Here at University of California, Hippy, my classes are filled with complete and utter morons all of whom think they are super-smart ultra coolguys. Whereas I ate Lucky Charms and Trix Are For Kids You Silly Rabbit for breakfast as a child so long ago, they had big bowls of paint chips with sippy cups full of ‘playing under the power lines’. So I sit in class scratching my hairy, black ass and thinking about how my luxurious chest hair is due for a deep conditioning while my professor asks the same seemingly unanswerable question over and again as though one of the blank faces that had been timidly staring up at him throughout the hour would suddenly, miraculously light up with enthusiastic understanding. “I know the answer!” the intrepid school child would venture with shining morning face: “fifteen is bigger than three!” Yes, yes it is, Mongo. Now, stop touching your naughty parts, you know that’ll only make your palms hairier.

Each class I take reminds me of just how much of a genius I really am. For a bit I was worried. I thought that perhaps I wasn’t as vastly intelligent as I suspected and that in fact I was only slightly above average in brain power and very above average in arrogance. Oh, how wrong I was.

But today was a new low. I’m glad I woke up from my mid-morning, in-class nap for this little exchange:

The professor had drawn a simple line graph on the chalk board and now turned to the class: “For the function y = x, what value of x corresponds to y = 3?”

Blank stares. I nearly laugh, and then I remember that that would be mean. Which makes me laugh. My outburst must have thrown everyone off, so the professor asks again:

“When y = x and y = 3, what is x?” He gestures elaborately to the graph he’s painstakingly drawn. More stares. More gesturing, until some stupid bitch who smells like cheese pipes up: “I don’t really know how to read graphs,” she begins, “but I think it looks like the answer is around…”

Wait. Did you just say you didn’t know how to read graphs? You’re a college student and you can’t read a graph? This has nothing to do with reading graphs. It has to do with the transitive property of dumbfuck. For fuck's sake, how on earth are you going to the same school as me? I thought the application process was to weed out chodes like you.

America’s education system is fucked. And don’t tell me that the problem is we don’t spend enough money on our schools. That’s like saying your kid doesn’t eat enough lima beans because you didn’t buy enough of them at the local oriental grocer’s. Maybe your kid doesn’t like lima beans. Maybe you should feed him something else. Like a goddamn knuckle sandwich for not cleaning his plate as he’s told.

You can’t blame the failure of an entire bureaucratic system on one problem such as lack of funding. There are many problems with the system. Parents have no interest in encouraging their children to learn. School officials eat, drink and wipe their asses with red tape. And your kids are too fucking stupid to learn. But we all know that school isn’t about learning. It’s about three little words: Dip Low Ma. Who, of course, is Yo Yo Ma’s piccolo playing cousin.

Everyone graduates. Everyone gets a diploma. No child left behind.

In Alaska, our captured Canadian territory, some pro bono (read: hippy) law firm realized that mentally disabled kids are failing the high school exit exam at a rate of 3 to 1. Whoa. Would you like a PhD for that discovery Dr. Sherlock Einstein? Here, here it is. Right inside this big cardboard box. That’s right, stick your hand in the dark, little hole and retrieve your degree… oh, wait. That’s not a box filled with PhD’s. That’s a box full of ‘burn in hell you fucking quack’. Sorry about that.

They’re failing. And so this law firm is filing suit to change the test. I mean, they did spend four years in special ed classes drawing with crayons and naming their toes, so I guess they deserve a piece of paper that says they are capable of operating at the same state sanctioned intellectual level as other students.

Of course these kids can’t pass the test. They’re retarded. Perhaps they deserve some sort of special consideration for their lowered level of physical and cognitive ability, but this sort of ailment should not infer automatic eligibility for a diploma. Shall we allow everyone who can’t pass the test to be given a diploma? Should everyone who can’t get a 50,000 on the SAT’s like me be awarded that same score? I mean, it must be discrimination that causes me to be different from you.

I don’t care why you can’t pass the test. A diploma says that you are able to complete a certain number and type of tasks at a certain skill level. It’s not meant to be a consolation prize. Sorry you’re kid can’t count to fifteen without removing his shoes because you drank too much during the third trimester, here’s an official looking piece of paper to make him feel better. What the hell is your mong kid going to do with a diploma anyway? Get a job as an astronaut?

This whole mentality, that everyone should graduate, that everyone deserves to go to college is ruining the education system. Some kids just aren't fit for thirteen years of book-learning and then seven years of college like me. Some kids are just dumb. Egads! Did I just say that? Oh no! Quick, to the Bat Cave before the PC police come!

I've no problem with leaving no child behind. Give everyone a chance and all that humanitarian gumbo. But giving someone a chance at education isn't the same as just plopping a diploma in their lap after they've taken and failed the body of their course work.

And you, you little bastard who studies every Friday night at that mythical 'Libary' you're always talking about. Fuck you. Don't think that just because you got into college that you're some sort of intellectual giant. No matter how smart you think you are, there will always be someone smarter. And that person is me. I don’t care about your book smarts. Book smarts are worth about the price of a public library card. Anyone can do that.

What I hate are those who just don’t think. Those who ask the dumb questions. And why do they keep asking dumb questions? Why do they never think? Because some fucking dumbass, who doesn't wanna hurt their feelings, keeps telling them that there are no stupid questions and so they never learn to ask anything worthwhile.

I don’t wanna sound arrogant – I mean, I am arrogant, I just don’t want to sound like it right now. I’m told it’s off-putting – but most of those in college are fucking dumb as dog shit and they got that way because our education system coddles failures and suppresses successes. Oh, you’re smart? No, you can’t work ahead of the class at your own pace. That would make the dumb kids feel bad. What about the smart kids? Oh, never fear, they don’t have feelings. They’re made out of rubber. Like elephants and chewing gum.

I thought it would all be different when I came to UC, Berkeley. First time I’ve ever been wrong. Now I’m surrounded by 30,000 undergrads who think they’re the cream of the crop. The state mandated top five percent. The be all and end all of America’s intellectual elite. Get over it, fucker. You may be smarter than the average bear, but you’re still a fucking retard, Yogi.




Copyright © 2004