have solved all of the mysteries of modern science. Yes, all of them. As you have yet to reach the level of enlightenment that I have achieved (I would have sensed your chi if you had), I cannot reveal them all at this time. But here are a few freebies:

Who is Superman? Ok, this one's easy: It's Clark Kent. There should be no shock and awe here. He just takes off his glasses and parts his hair on the other side. Maybe the brightly-colored, skin-tight, nylon outfit distracts the hapless citizens of Gotham city, or wherever the hell he lives, from this fact. Either way, that anorexic floozy he's in love with must be a fucking retard. Or a hippy.

As evidence for this assertion, I offer the following: Superman is never around when Clark is and vice versa. Of course, this alone is not enough. Afterall, I am never around when Superman is either. Which is good for Superman. If I ever saw that fairy, I'd kick his pansy ass. Honestly, blue tights and red panties? And a fucking cape? What were you thinking? I know you're an alien, but come on. Actually I don't remember what evidence I was about to present, I just wanted to point out that I will kick Superman's ass if he ever grows the balls to face me. Despite my lack of concrete evidence, suffice it to say that I'm right. If you don't believe me, go watch the movies. Then hit your head against a brick wall for disbelieving me.

Why can't we all just get along? Because people are asinine assholes, especially the ones in power. As a solution to this problem, I offer up PD's Politics 101 or a Simpleton's Road to World Peace:

Step 1: Pull your head out of your ass. This may be the most difficult step, but it's quite necessary. I know it may be warm and cozy in there, once you become used to the smell, but just because the world seems like a safe and simplistic place from inside your pampered rectum, doesn't mean it actually is. The stench of evil Bush seems to be finding in every foreign country? Yeah, that'll go away when he follows this step. Of course, it could just be the sanitation. They don't seem to value baths in the more primitive countries, like Britain or Albuqueque. There is no Axis of Evil. This is not a goddamn video game.

Step 2: Mind your own goddamn business. Just because you read whatever religious text you were brought up to hold sacred (or had read to you as may be the case with Bush) doesn't give you any right to dictate the policies of sovereign nations. God is gone. He's on vacation. Creating worlds and turning slutty hebrews into pillars of salt is a lot of work. He left me in charge while he's away. Don't make me put you on time out. Yeah, I'm talking to you Saddamn and Bush and Kim Jong Il.

Step 3: Take care of your own country's problems before claiming responsibility for those of other countries. Saddam: Iraq went to shit while you were in charge. You have 6 billion dollars hidden away and you can't at least buy some of your subjects some shoes? Don't they make Nikes over there anyway? You could save on the importation costs. Bush: Seriously, knock it off. You know what I'm talking about: economic downturn, unemployment, corporate greed. The Patriot Act? If it weren't for the shoes and the lack of sand, Americans might think they lived in Iraq.

I hate politicians. Almost as much as I hate hippies. With their greasy hair and perpetual, beauty-queen smiles and double-fisting handshakes (the politicians, not the hippies...but the hippies have greasy hair, too). Maybe we'd be better off without politicians. Without leaders. We could live in a world of anarchy. I could be a land pirate, pillaging the remains of a once-impressive society. And I would have a bladed boomerang like that mute kid in the Mad Max movies. Badass. In fact, on a scale of 4 to 37, I would have to say that would be 100% cool.

Do violent video games encourage violence in youngsters? This one's easy: No. Anyone who says otherwise deserves a beating.

In a battle to the death between a ninja and a pirate, who would win? This one's a bit tricky and the subject of many well-funded studies. If said battle takes place at night, the ninja would win, all hands down and no questions asked. As we all know, ninjas are creatures of the night (much like the Phantom of the Opera, but much, much more badass) and bathed in darkness they are nearly invincible. However, if the battle takes place at sea, the pirate would win, though not so easily. The pirate would most likely lose a limb or two before subduing the asian assassin. That's why pirates have peg legs and hook hands. They fight ninjas at sea. The ninjas want their booty. If pirates fought ninjas at night, they wouldn't have peg legs and hook hands. They'd be dead.

But, you ask insolently, what if the battle takes place at sea during the night? Here it becomes quite complicated. You may think the ninja would regain his nocturnal advantage, but you'd be wrong. Ninjas do not have very good sea legs. But pirates, with their patched eyes, do not see well in the dark. In fact, many are afraid of the dark, like big, salty ninnies. Don't tell anyone. If this battle were to take place at night on the sea, it would end in a draw. Both the pirate and the ninja would kill each other with their final breaths. As life leaves the sea-faring conquerer's battered body, he would plunge his hooked hand deep into the heart of his darkly-garbed foe. Simultaneously, the battle-hardened master of oriental stealth would poke the pirate's good eye with a ninja star, sending him forever to rest in Devi Jones's Locker.

Now that that's settled, our scientists can get back to solving real problems, like finding a cure for cancer. Or better yet, AIDS. I want to go back to having wanton, unprotected sex like I did in the 60's and 70's.




Copyright © 2003