oday is the greatest day of my life. The sequel to one of the greatest love stories of all time comes out today. Yes, I am talking about the Matrix. I have high hopes for the middle child of the Matrix trilogy, but apparently, not everyone has seen the light. I was taking a break from downloading pornography off the internet to see what else this amazingly massive network of interconnected computers may hold for me and I stumbled upon this blasphemous article: 50 Reasons to Boycott the Matrix by Dr. Albert Oxford PhD.

I didn't read the whole thing. Frankly, I got bored. But I read the first few items and I am appalled. Let's take a look at some of the items on this list. A list which I would more accurately entitle: Yo ho ho and a bottle of crap.

1. The Matrix Murders

"The first film killed 13 students at Columbine High School, the disturbed trench-coated teens imitating the pipe-bombing, shotgunning film's finale. How many troubled teens are out there Reloading with the release of the sequel?

"In fact, the only reason the U.S. Attorney General did not press murder charges against the filmmakers is because the movie was shot in Australia, giving it diplomatic immunity."

What is this hippy nonsense? Oh, that's right, the Matrix was the first movie depicting realistic violence... ever. We only watch harmless movies like The Breakfast Club and listen to mundane music like Lorena McKinett. Perhaps these kids were never taught by their parents the simple rules of life, rules that most learn early in their childhoods. Rules like: don't shoot up your school, you fucking freak. Actually, I guess it's just the one rule. That's all I took from my childhood. Or perhaps these poor souls were so devastated at finding that they were trapped in the Matrix that they went on a killing spree. Stupid kids: you can't escape the Matrix that way.

I think this guy's on crack. Movies don't have diplomatic immunity. People do, and then only ambassadors and their ilk. American movie producers filming in foreign countries with American dollars are not granted 'diplomatic immunity'. If the attorney general really did believe this movie was responsible for the deaths at Columbine he (yes, Janet Reno, attorney general at the time, is a man, the truth is out) would a) be a complete fucking moron, and b) ban the movie in America, perhaps sanction the producer, and then kill himself for being a complete fucking moron.

6. Reloaded Ridiculousness

"Think you're missing something special by staying home? Think again. Several times in the sequel Neo is seen flying at almost supersonic speeds. NASA experiments prove that such a velocity would tear a man's genitals off."

You're an idiot.

12. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 4

"You've worked as a policeman your whole life, protecting the innocent, enforcing the law. You retire with honors, then take a job as a security guard, working the metal detector on the ground floor of a skyscraper in order to help pay for your wife's arthritis medication. You're sitting there, on a slow day, reading your newspaper, when a girl walks in wearing a trenchcoat. She issues no demands, no warnings, no "freeze" or "drop your gun." She just tears you in half with a spray of machine-gun fire, then does cartwheels along the walls while killing all your friends.

"Somewhere, faintly, you can hear a theater audience cheering."

Badass. Actually, I'd call this a reason not to boycott the movie. We need more quality violence in cinema. Movie makers have a long way to go if they want to catch up with video games.

23. Two words:

"Keanu Reeves."

You're an idio... Ok, fine, you've got me there. But you're still an idiot.

This guy pulls more shit out of his ass when he writes than I do. At least my shit don't stink.

You know what Dr. Albert Oxford P.h.-hippy? We are already in the Matrix. According to Dr. Nick Bostrum, there is a 20% to 25% chance that we are already in the Matrix. As a scientifically minded individual, I had to find out if we really were slaves of some highly advanced artifical intelligence. So I picked a number between 1 and 100. The number I picked was 17. Seventeen is clearly lower then 20 to 25, therefore: We are already in the Matrix. But who is to say that this simulation is an accurate recreation of what the world actually looks like? Perhaps this is like some giant computer game. Like Grant Theft Auto XIII.

The world outside the Matrix is perfect and so much more advanced. There is no more disease. No more war. No more famine. Music is better. No more Enya. No more Backdoor Boys or Justin Timberfake or Christina Aguilakalakalara. Just Britany. Movies are better. No more Titanic. No more Land Before Time IX. No kids. No jonas. No 'tards. And oh-so-many pirates. You see, the entire world is actually an ocean, like in Waterworld, but without sucking. More like Mad Max. Except on water.

So these future-pirates who populate the world, they spend their days sailing the eighty-nine seas, plundering, pillaging, boozing and wenching in their high-tech pirate ships of the future. Rocket-powered, high-tech pirate ships of the future. There are many able sea captains of the future outside the Matrix. In the real world. But there is one who is more vicious, more malicious, more badass than any other pirate who ever lived. One-eyed Petey, they call him. Oh, yes. One-eyed Petey has only one eye. And only one leg. But in place of the wooden peg leg that would grace a pirate's stumpified appendage in the Matrix, One-eyed Petey has a titanium peg leg. And it shoots lasers at even his most indomitable foes. And he has only one hand. But this fabled pirate of the future is too good for a simple metal hook hand. No, One-eyed Petey has a light-saber hook hand! But it wasn't for these infirmitites that he was named. He is not One-legged Petey, or even One-handed Petey, or occasionally Sea-sick Petey. He is One-eyed Petey, and he has only one eye.

Underneath the gold-plated, razor-edged eye patch One-eyed Petey wears is a glowing red mechanical eye, like the Terminator. Arr! There he is, flying about in his atomic pirate ship of death while we all sleep obliviously in the Matrix...

But I digress. This article is an obvious and uncoordinated attempt by Agent Smith to dissuade the ignorant masses from seeing the movie, from seeing the truth.

With all this evidence, it's hard to ignore the fact that we are indeed in the Matrix. I'll prove it: take a pen. Now, shove it into your ear. You've got to push it all the way in or this won't work. Don't worry, you won't feel it, none of this is real. We're in the Matrix, remember?


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