s a rule I try not to discuss politics on this, my world-famous web site network of joy. Mainly I do this because I hate politics about as much as I hate rainbows and brown paper packages all tied up with string. However, being a genius and a badass, the rules do not apply to me. Not even the rules I make myself. Therefore, I will discuss whatever I like. Actually, it’s more of a lecture than a discussion because I don’t really pause for feedback from the audience. And if I did, that feedback would probably be mindlessly inane anyhow, judging from the quality of hate mail I receive. As for those who agree with what I say, I’d like to thank you for not writing me. Having said this, let us embark on a journey of learning and fun for the whole state-defined, heterosexually-wed, two-point-three-child family:

Have you been reading the news? I know I haven’t, but I’m sure the headlines must read something like: Gay Marriage! Oh no!! The institution of marriage is under attack by legions of gays wielding such gay-weapons as twelve inch dildos, anal beads and AIDS. We must protect marriage!

Egads, it’s terrible! All these gay people being wed and dissolving the marriages of so many hard-working, religiously-faithful, law-abiding, sexually-non-deviant folk. I know that when Mayor Newsom of San Francisco began signing wedding licenses for same sex unions my parents’ eight-hundred year long marriage ended in the blink of an eye. Now they won’t even speak to each other, they just yell: ‘Don’t you still love me?’ asks mommy dearest. ‘No,’ says father, ‘not with all these gay people getting married.’

Not only is gay marriage an assault on the God ordained rights of non-gay people, it is an abomination of the laws of nature. The church said so. Umm, wait. How the fuck is it a desecration of the natural order again? It’s not as though Mr. and Ms. Rabbit are going out and wedding each other in extravagant ceremonies. Mr. Owl could be the pastor. Ms. Porcupine could be the bride’s maid, Mr. Bear could be the best man, Mr. Blue Jay could cater and… Ok, that’s enough, you see how ridiculous this is. You never see this sort of ‘natural’ wedding. And not just because Mr. Bear would eat the other wedding guests. You never see it because there are no natural laws governing marriage. Natural laws govern shit like entropy and evolution and how badass I am. Marriage is a goddamn social convention (don’t worry, God gave me permission to use His name in vain).

The church says that same-sex marriage is a violation of natural law because it says so in the Bible. Well, it doesn’t actually say no gay marriage, but it doesn’t not say so. And the Bible must be right because it’s old. If we are going to base our claims about what is ‘natural’ on antiquity then perhaps we ought to look back to see which marriage practices are oldest. I vaguely remember that in my youth, the cavemen could take as many women as they wanted. Sounds pretty natural to me. According to these rules, it is you, Mr. Bush with your greasy hair and single wife, who is the abomination.

I always say that everyone is entitled to their own opinion no matter how stupid it makes them look. However, if you are going to oppose something like gay marriage, at least conceive of some good arguments for your stand point. I don't even care what your stance is, but if you are swayed by the above arguments then you need to follow these simple directions: go kill yourself.

What irks me most is that politicians think this matter is pressing enough to necessitate not only front-page newspaper time but also an amendment to our constitution. Good Godot Almighty. As I said, I honestly don't care what your beliefs are. Of course, if you don't agree with me then you are an idiot, but that's neither here nor there. My point is that there are more pressing problems of national importance that I feel ought to be addressed before Bush deigns to impose his religious leanings and bigotous beliefs on the entirety of this fine principality. Occupational off-shoring? The resulting joblessness? Rising gas prices despite the fact that we are stealing our oil for free from those filthy Iraqi’s who dared stand up to our hegemonic manifest destiny by electing a dictator who raped and tortured them just to spite us? Those damned kids and their baggy pants? Goddamn ninjas, always hiding in the bushes and watching me when I pee? And, of course, all the little itty bitty babies dying of who knows what all over the fucking place? How can you say that what hole people use when they consummate their love is more important than dead babies? You are a monster, Mr. Bush. A monster that vaguely resembles an albino chimpanzee.

The media can't concentrate on a single issue for more than a week. And this whole ADD propaganda trend is really pissing me off. You can’t get us all excited about one scandal, then, before resolution, change to something completely different. That’s like cancelling Friends after the first season. Does Ross get with Rachel? Does he fuck it up again and again and again because he's an enormous tool? Actually, that's a bad example because no one gives a fuck. But imagine if they had cancelled a really good show mid-season. Like The Greatest American Hero. Now, that was a show. If only America weren’t so easily distracted by shiny objects. And gay marriages are very shiny. We’ve all seen Queer Eye for a Straight guy and know how They love flashy colors.

Oh, but it’s a violation of the sanctity of marriage! I vaguely recall watching something on my television machine called ‘Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire’. It was a game show of sorts in which a number of lucky ladies vie for the conjugal attentions of a pecuniarily advantaged male they’ve yet to meet. Then there was the sequel, about marrying the European prince, and then there were its many spin-offs: The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Joe Millionaire, Who Wants to Marry My Daddy, The Little Groom, Who Wants to Marry a Fucking Convicted Wife-Beating Child-Rapist Just For the Joy of Being on TV. I think that last one airs on Faux this summer.

Of course, these and the popularity of celebrity wed-and-forgot unions are no assault on what sanctity may be left to the institution of marriage. Nah. That’s just TV. But back to the matter at hand: don’t let those faggots get married! Oh, no! The world will end if you do. And there will be riots in the streets. And Jebus will come down from on high to unleash his unbridled fury and smote us with his fiery breath and laser-beam eyes. Fuck. So spake Arnold of Schwarzenegger, Governor of California and obvious expert on the scriptures.

That Britney Spears chick sure did a number on marriage’s reputation with her five minute marriage to childhood pal Goober Gooberson. Perhaps, in order to protect the sanctity of marriage we ought to do away with divorce. Oh, my husband’s an alcoholic, he beats me and sticks his cock in my ear, boo hoo. Well, bitch, perhaps you should have fucking put more thought into it and married someone more deserving. Like me. Except, I won’t marry you because you won’t let me stick my cock in your ear. It doesn’t say ‘until whim do us part’. It says death. That means if you want to get divorced, we can kill you. Wait, actually, I think they tried that before in the sixteen hundreds or something. Oh well, I still like the idea.

Now, I don’t wanna sound like those horse shit libertarians, but why should we care what people do in the privacy of their own homes? It really doesn’t bother anyone. And if it does bother you, you’re probably a peeping Tom. Think of it this way: if being gay means you’re going to hell, then great. Let them go to hell, that means there will be more pudding for the rest of us when we get to Heaven. Anyway, I think our good friend George W. is just jealous that his wife won’t let him pound her in the ass like they do in prison.

And here's a point you don't see in the papers but bothers me nonetheless: what about marriage between a man and a really ugly woman? I’m not talking 5 o’clock shadow, hairy-legged hippy ugly, I’m talking Drew Barrymore ugly. Or Gary Busey ugly. See, that would piss me off just as much as same sex marriage apparently riles those right-wing nuts.

Same sex unions don’t seem like that bad an idea to me because the resulting couples aren’t going to be having any dumbass kids. Of course, in the interest of being as fair and balanced as Faux, I must admit that those for same sex marriage have some pretty stupid arguments as well. They seem to think that conjugal unions are inalienable rights. And I’m sure there is something wrong with this claim, I’m just too lazy to write it all out. Suffice it to say I don’t believe in inalienable rights. And I don’t believe in any of you either. You're too fucking stupid to exist outside my alcohol induced nightmares.




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