n my unending quest for knowledge, or perhaps as a result of my over abundance of free time, I stumbled upon Brian Chung's personal homepage today. And on that travesty of a web site, I read this while trying my best to ignore the midi background music [shit in brackets are my ever-so-witty comments]:

"While Cheryl and I were at East Coast Park playing water at the beach. While she was SM Sing someone, she was caught unaware by a wave. Water entered her hand-phone and hence it was somewhat spoilt. She was not able to access the "Menu" option. Bad gone to worst when the hand-phone rejected her ism-card [oh, God, no!]. From then on, she had a mood swing [What the fuck? A mood swing? Because your phone got wet? Are people in Singapore that unstable?]. She even bought a MacDonald's meal and did not want to eat. I tried my very best to help her with her phone. My last resort was to pray. I continued to pray more than once and never gave up trying to make her hand-phone back to normal. The ism-card was detected and "Menu" option accessible. The sense of relieved went through Cheryl and I felt happy for her. I told her it was not me, it was God helped her. Thank you God."

I don't know if you can actually understand all that. In my infinite wisdom I could barely decipher the fob-ish words and poor grammar. Allow me to sum up: this dude's friend was hit by a wave while talking on her cell phone. So devastated was she that she did not even want to eat the "MacDonald's" (is that the Scottish version of McDonald's?) meal that she had purchased. So the dude prayed to God to fix the phone and God fixed the phone. Leave it to a Christian to talk on their cell phone while at the beach, in the water (which is where waves are most often found). Leave it to a Christian to waste a prayer on a friend's cell phone. Leave it to a Christian God to see fit to answer said prayer when there are more important issues to be prayed over such as those satan-worshipping abortionists and all those fags in San Francisco and Vermont who want to get married. Makes me sick. Men wanting to marry men? It just ain't right. It's an affront to all that is holy. Oh, and teaching evolution in school. The lies need to stop!

Anyhoo, being a skeptical man/boy/pirate and a devout non-Christian, I could not help but think that the phone simply dried out which allowed it to work once more. Leave it to a Christian to confuse the drying of a soggy cell phone with an act of God. The evaporation of a bit of water is, after all, on par with such sacred miracles as the creation of man and the survival of whatever gene it was that made this fuck so incredibly retarded. I guess I can't really blame Mr. Chung, after all, there is no Book of Electronics in the New Testament, and if God didn't say it, it probably ain't worth knowing.

When I read this I couldn't help but think that religion had hit a new low. Or maybe it's just the followers who are fucking shit up. Giving God a bad name. No longer is the worship of supreme beings, such as Yahweh, or Allah, or Santa or that crazy many-armed elephant man those silly darkies revere, about eternal salvation or Truth. No, it's about rescuing hand-held, wireless communication devices. It's such a shame that a God who once saved the Jews from slavery at the hands of the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs and later the Nazi's, a God who created the world from its biggest mountains down to the most mundane and useless details like nipples for men, a God who has led the Christians time and again to victory over the heathans of the middle east has been relegated to the role of electronics repair deity. "Thank you for calling AT&T Wireless customer service, this is Jesus Christ, son of the one true God and savior of all mankind, how can I help you today?... Oh, that's terrible, please hold while I die on the cross so that you can get better reception."

I weep for the future.

Wait. Doesn't God create the waves in the sea anyway? I heard it was the moon that made waves once, but that must be hogwash. Satan talk. All natural sciences are meant only to distract us from the Truth that is The Word. So didn't God break the phone in the first place? He must simply be testing the faith of these silly Protestants. That Christian God is so sneaky. If only I were Christian, I might have the faith to see through.




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