a know what I miss, from the caveman times, I mean. I miss the survival of the fittest. We don’t stone our weak or leave them for the wolves anymore. We coddle them. You get sick, we heal you. You do something stupid, we reward you. Billions are spent each year on medical research and silly lawsuits. Billions that would be better suited for buying me pleasure. And women.

Genetic mutations fuel our advancement as a race. Sometimes mutations are beneficial, like higher intelligence, wings or even adamantium claws like mine. Sometimes they are bad, like stupidity, feminist mindsets and small boobs on women. When a person exhibits a non-beneficial genetic mutation, we should kill them, or at the very least not allow them to breed. They’re holding us back. I think they had the right idea in GATTACA.

Darwin would shit his pants if he knew how we were pissing all over natural selection by protecting those who would have offed themselves by now if it weren’t for seat belts and bike helmets and child safety locks and sippy cups. Here’s how I see it: if some brain-dead hippie wants to pour McDonald’s McCoffee all over their McCrotch without the expectation that emptying said super-heated, caffeinated beverage on the ever-so-sensitive lap region is a bad idea, then let them. And if they don’t learn after the first time, then shoot them. But no, instead, we reward these stupid-stupid heads with millions in emotional and punitive damages. You failed your english class? Sue the professsor! Not enough strawberries in your goddamn jam? Sue Smucker's! Someone shot you? They musta got the idea from video games! Sue Rockstar Games! You missed the seat at the movie theater and fell on the floor? Sue the theater! Your son commited suicide? Sue the company that created the medication that actually decreased his chances of offing himself! God, this shit pisses me the fuck off. You're all fucking retarded, stop expecting monetary compensation everytime life doesn't go your goddamn way. Our increasingly litigious nature is a sign of our faltering collective intelligence.

People are stupid and getting worse. Watering down the gene pool with their fucktard genotypes. We need to weed out the useless. The best way to do this is to remove safety precautions and warning labels. Like that label on my jar of Planter’s peanuts that reads “May contain peanuts.” If, for some reason, you can’t tell that a jar marked “Plain, unsalted PEANUTS” with a giant, nitrogen-producing dicot in top hat, spats and cane dancing about on the label may contain peanuts then you don’t deserve to eat anything other than your own malodorous feces. Which you probably do anyhow. You eat crayons too, don’t you? And I bet your mother dresses you. Fuck you. And fuck all your retard friends. You know what? I hope to fucking God that jar contains peanuts, because that’s what I fucking bought it for. Its peanut-containing capabilities. Oh, I feel like peanuts, let me buy this jar labeled “Peanuts” and hope for the best. I hope I don’t get a jar of rat droppings like last time.

How sweet the revenge would be. The day the warning labels disappear, 83% of Americans burn their tongues on beverages whose Contents “May Be Hot After Heating.” I’m already laughing on the inside. And think how much more quickly our species will evolve. I’m sure that once the stupid people stop slowing down our mutation-driven advancement as a race, we’ll have wings and possibly psychokinetic powers soon, perhaps even in time for Christmas.




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