've been thinking. Not for long because I'm a genius so profound thoughts come to me easily, but I realized that America's growing obesity problem may actually be a growing obesity solution. Ya see, fat kids are harder to kidnap. All them kids who was napped in the relatively recent rash of prepubescent purloinings were nice a slender. That Amber Alert chick? She weighed in at about 37 pounds with shoes on. And that Mormon chick who willingly followed some psycho out her bedroom window in the dark of the night to be his second wife because she thought he was a prophet? Yeah, she didn't even break 90 pounds. What was her name? Elizabeth Not-So-Smart? Haha, see, that's a joke. Bet you've never heard that one before. I told you that I was a genius.
But what if these kids weighed 250 pounds? You never see a fat kids on the news. That calm-cool-and-collected, late-thirties, midwestern-accented newscaster never interrupts my regularly scheduled programming to tell me: "Fatty Bolger was abducted today. This three-hundred pound seven-year-old was taken while he played in his yard alone. All that remains is an empty family pack of twinkies and a half-eaten gallon of Rocky Road ice cream. Residents of Fatland are encouraged to contact authorities if they have seen anything suspicious. And now, back to The View..."
Never happens. I guess it's because those portly bastards are nearly impossible to get into the back of my black, unmarked van with tinted windows. You can't drug them. If you do, all you've got on your hands is three chins of lethargic fatass. You'd think that they would roll. But you'd be wrong. It's nearly impossible to move fat kids without an elaborate system of wenches and pulleys.
And luring them with candy? No good. They're smarter than they look. Apparently, they don't fall for the old "hey, little boy, even though I looked like a creepy pedophile, I'm really just a nice guy and my truck is full of candy, why don't you come inside and no I did not just touch your naughty parts, that was the wind, here have a Tootsie Roll Pop" trick doesn't work so well anymore. They've all seen it on Law and Order by now. Even if you do happen to get a fatty knocked out, you need more rope than you would with a skinny kid. The normal 100 pound-test nylon cords don't work. You gotta go with the 300 pound-test. Or chains. Chains are good.
Fat kids aren't really worth the extra effort. Parents don't pay ransoms by the pound, and no pedophile wants to have sex with tubby. Amongst thieves, there is a proverb: Don't steal heavy things... unless those heavy things are, like, cares, or something. But, in geneal: heavy = don't steal.
There is a downside though. No, other than the health problems. No one cares about athrosclerosis anymore, not even those who actually know what it means. I'm talkinga about the problem of name calling. Fat kids have to put up with a lot of it. But I've thought of a witty come back to help them to deal with the taunting of their fit-and-trim peers: Well, at leat I didn't get kidnapped. Zing!
If fat kids are this hard to kidnap, I can see why their parents have such a hard time getting them to eat properly. But perhaps that's a good thing. So, eat up, fatty, you don't wanna end up sodomized and dead in some ditch in the midwest.
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