hate Drew Barrymore with all of my heart and soul. I hate her more than life itself. If you have to ask why, you probably haven't ever seen the hideous abomination. There's just something about her pudgy face that bothers me. It's not cute baby fat. She's not a baby. No, she's a fucking elderly woman and it's just lard deposits. Seriously, lose some goddamn face-weight, you're a fucking movie star (though I've no idea why), you can afford to buy a personal trainer or liposuction or a new face, or better yet, you can afford to kill yourself. And her smile? Egads! Each time I see her show her pearly whites I taste bile in the back of my throat and I dry heave for an hour. But my complaints don't stop there, oh no. Even if she fixed her goddamn face there would still be her nappy ass hair. Not that my hair is great, but then I'm not a goddamn movie star. I'm a poor college student. She can get some Vidale Sassoon Haircare for Hags or something. Strong enough for a man's pubes, formulated for Drew Barrymore's skanky ass 'do.
"So she's nasty. What of it? You're so superficial, PD!" Stop whining. I was just about to get to the meat of the matter: her inability to act, as evidenced by that movie she was in... no, wait, as evidenced by all the movies she was in. Never Been Kissed? No fucking surprise here, you fucking nasty bitch. You're supposed to look better after the makeover. I couldn't tell the difference. Charlie's Angels is probably one of the biggest mysteries of modern civilization. On the one hand you've got Lucy Liu. I'd do her. On the other hand, you've got Cameron Diaz. She's not so bad in some of her older movies, so long as you don't look too closely at her face. Her forehead is a little big and her cheek bones can only be described as jagged. Then, on the third hand you've got Drew "I eat shit" Barrymore. Why the fuck was she in the movie? Someone tricked me into watching Charlie's Angels. I didn't know Barry-whore was in it. I nearly soiled myself when I realized the terrible truth. At first I thought I was hallucinating, or that I was back in that nightmare when she tries to touch my naughty parts with her man-hands. Shudder. Then I passed out. I came to with an awful headache and the movie was over. I couldn't help but think: Chuck, you made a shitty choice on those angels of yours. Apparently, Drew "I guzzle goat cum" Barrymore produced the trainwreck that the movie was. No fucking wonder she was in it.
The only performance of Barrymore's that was close to decent was her role as a hideously deformed alien with a heart of gold in that movie, E.T. It was an even better performance than Leo DiCaprio's role as a retard in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, or his similar role as a retard in its sequel, Titanic. Of course, that was before Drew grew up, caught fat and got hit by the ugly truck.
I liked that movie Titan A.E. for the first ten minutes or so. Then I realized the female protagonist was voiced by none other than Ms. Ugly-America and her banshee-like warble. From that point on, I hated the movie. It could have been the trite plot, the terrible animation, or that the ending blew, but no, Drew Barrymore ruined the movie for me before any of these failings could have. Damn you Drew and damn your androgenous moniker.
Then she married Tom Greene. Even worse, she divorced him. He has one nut. He's Canadian. She doesn't deserve such a quality man, and yet she threw it all away for what? To be single and alone and ugly. That's what. Die, Barrymore. The world would be happier for it. Or, if the world wouldn't, I certainly would.
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