ith all the hubbub riling the nation these days, there are many issues that I feel aren’t getting the attention they deserve. I know poor people are dying in Louisiana and all, but that topic has been touched more often than a choir boy after rehearsal and they’re only poor people anyway. So I’m gonna stay away from talking about that bitch Katrina.

The under represented issue I’m talking about is theistic selection. Never heard of it? Well, then, I’ll explain. Theistic selection is the belief that biological populations are altered over time as a result of the propagation of heritable traits that affect the capacity of individual organisms to survive and reproduce because God told them to.

Sounds reasonable enough, but here’s the rub: theistic selection isn’t even mentioned in our modern religious system. Theistic selection needs to be taught in church. Every sunny morning-face in Sunday school deserves to hear all schools of thought pertaining to religion. Even those that don’t really require much schooling. Or thought, for that matter. Children should learn about all aspects of their religion in Sunday school. Theistic selection should be given the same amount of time as other immutable tenets of Christianity. If your pastor spends an hour condemning men who wear pink and demonizing the destruction of parasitic fetuses with a well-placed hanger, theistic selection deserves an hour of your parish’s attention as well.

Now, some of you may be thinking, to use the term loosely, that theistic selection isn’t a religious idea at all. All them big words mean it’s science, you may say, and science has no place in Sunday school. Well, you’re wrong. Notice that I offer no proof for theistic selection. That’s right, no proof means it can’t possibly be science.

To further my cause, please turn to Isaiah, chapter 52, verse 1. And the Lord said unto, um, I guess Isaiah or someone: “Awake, awake, O Zion, clothe yourself with strength. Put on your garments of splendor, O Jerusalem, the holy city. The uncircumcised and defiled will not enter you again.” Now, this verse may sound, to the unclean, like God is promising that dudes with uncut cocks will never again have sex with some chick named Jerusalem. But He’s actually lending support to my point, which I have forgotten in all this biblical confusion. Suffice it to say, I am correct and if you disagree with me, you are incorrect. And a sinner. Burn in Hell.

Some may say that theistic selection is just Darwin’s theory of evolution by natural selection disguised as religion. This is also a sin. Theistic selection is a belief. Not a theory. Notice that I give no facts to support my assertion. That which separates science from religion is fact. There are no facts in church. Just God’s Word, which is more important than facts anyway. Because He said It way Before facts Were even Invented. Theistic selection is based on faith. You must have faith that the heritable traits of the African swallow are propagated at the direction of God Almighty.

Now that I have thoroughly answered your objections and converted you to theistic selection, I’m going to move on to another controversial issue. Let’s talk a bit about intelligent design being taught in public schools.

Intelligent design has no place in biology classes. It is not a theory. It is not scientific. And it is not intelligent.

Stamping the name ‘intelligent design’ on this load of hogwash does not make it so. I once stamped ‘#1 Granddad’ on my hand. But, despite the bright pink, water-soluble ink on the well-lotioned palm of my hand, it was not so.

If you want to teach intelligent design in school, go for it. But teach it where it belongs. In social studies, along with the rest of religion. Or, better yet, teach it in clown school. Because it makes me laugh. But so do retards. But you don’t teach retard in clown school. I’ll be writing them a letter about that.

I think I can find it in my shriveled heart to believe that gazillions of years of random, radiation-inspired mutation, a smattering of chance and a boat load of Discovery-channel animal porn could result in the vast array of life forms inhabiting our planet. I find it a bit harder to believe that an intelligent designer would give nipples to men.

I’ve no problem with the idea that the almighty hand of some unseen power guided our development. But is this the best He could come up with? If there were an intelligent designer, I’d expect Him to have done a better job. Yes, Him, you fucking feminist. Had it been Her, there would be no intelligent life in the universe, just a place called The City and people having sex in it. But they never show the sex, they just talk about it. Unless you’re Samantha, in which case they show it too much. Oh, whoopty-fucking-do, I’m thirty-something going on saggy, and I have sex with younger men. Get real. That shit never happens. Young, attractive men can find young, attractive women to bone. And who the hell would even have sex with Miranda? She’s a bitch and she looks like that mong alien from Mac And Me.

According to intelligent designists, it wasn’t necessarily God who designed everything, just ‘someone’. This flight of fancy apparently is enough to punt this idea out of the realm of religion and into that of science where it sits of the shelf betwixt cow urine cancer cures and the Flat Earth Society. Thank you, internets, for lending credence to crackpots.

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t the Christian God who intelligently designed all this shit you see about you. The list of candidates is pretty fucking meager, if you ask me. I can think of only three people who could have pulled an entire working universe out of their asses. It would have taken me eight days. That leaves just the Spaghetti Monster and God.

Ok, so let’s assume that we’re talking about God, here. Who the hell signed off on the ‘intelligent’ design nomenclature? All powerful design, maybe. But intelligent? Let’s do some role playing.

You can be humanity. I will be an all powerful entity. Ok, all powerful entity, there’s this Jew named Saul and you want to convert him to Christianity. What do you do?

Oh, I would change his name from Saul to Paul. Way to go, intelligent designer! No one will recognize him now. I suppose this parable explains the success of America’s No-Fly List play to thwart terrorism. Perhaps we haven’t found the head of Al Quaida because he changed his name from Allah to Osama bin Radin.

Intelligent design, in a nutshell says that the world around us is too complex to have originated without direction from an intelligent designer. It’s a far cry from the days of ‘You don’t see me swinging from trees and flinging my poop at tourists, so how could my ancestors be monkeys?’ Now we’ve got ‘I don’t understand science, therefore, some ultimately unfathomable power must have created everything I can’t understand, um, theoretically, that is. See, it’s a theory. That makes it science.’

All this nonsense is just an easy way out of studying. I used the same trick in fourth grade math.

“What’s the remainder, little pd?” They asked me.

“I dunno.” I reply.

“You don’t know? Just look at the board?”

“Teacher, all this long division is incredibly amazing. I think it’s best we leave it up to God to decide how many times four goes into fuck you.”

You know, evolution doesn’t even exclude the possibility of a designer. So, why are they getting their grandma-panties in such a bunch? If anything, natural selection simply outlines the process by which said designer would have propagated change. Compare that to intelligent design which outlines nothing, explains even less and focuses too much on the whole ‘there was a designer, so there’ bit.

I haven’t a problem with creationism. The world was created in seven days? Great. I can live with that. The planet looks like the result of seven days worth of effort. And I bet the fjords took four of those days. And I’ve no problem with God. Him and me is buddies. We go to Starbucks on Sundays after church. Stingy bastard always forgets his wallet. Anyway, the problem I have is with the attempt to couch creationism in science. But I can see right through this couch and what I see displeases me.

If we are the result of some design, we’ve gotta be the galactic equivalent of a retarded kid’s science fair project. Good job, Timmy, you’re study of the effect of Elmer’s glue on kitty has inspired us all to get abortions. Here’s a shiny blue ribbon for effort, intelligent designer. Now, go play, and don’t eat the crayons this time.

What I’m saying is that accident and such are a better explanation for the imperfect nature of our existence than any fine-tuned ulterior design. Look, I’ll level with you. God doesn’t like to talk about this much when we hang out, but this is how it works: he big banged everything into existence and then just let it kinda flow. He was too busy getting high and hitting on chicks to worry about the little shit. That’s why we have duck-billed platypii.

Furthermore, evolution and intelligent design are not in competition. Let’s use an analogy. Pretend that Darwin liked to make ice cream rather than watch animals fuck. His book, The Origin of Frosted Cream Confections, can be summarized thusly: “Creamed ice might be fourmulated by depressing the temperature of the lactic excretions from the udders of a common bovine to the pointe wherein suche excretions become viscouse and firme. An array of diverting flavours might be added to compliment the tastes of those esteemed gentlemen whose slaves conduct this process. Note that this exotic concoksion illicits delight when administered to my erect nipples which the Lord God hath given me for such purpose.”

The intelligent design crowd might then publish the following competing theory: “Iced cream cannot make itself. It must have been made by someone. We shan’t say who, though. I mean, it could have been anyone. We’re not saying it’s God. But it could have been. Oh, and by the way, this is a scientific theory.”

Yes, there are questions that science cannot yet answer. Such as why my white panties always come out of the washer pink. The response to this lack of knowledge should be a deeper delving into the dynamics of Tide, not chucking the unknown into a big box labeled ‘God did it, let’s sing some hymns.’

Let us close in prayer. Bow your heads:

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be they name, please select for us the heritable trait of rational thought so that intelligence might be propagated amongst our young. And please, oh, Lord, allow stupidity and ignorance to be bred out of the species like the wings we sported in the days of yore.

Copyright 2003