nce again, the United States of America has set an example for the world. We’ve shown that democracy works. That's right, on November 2nd, 2004, the populace turned out in full force as record numbers of Americans of all shapes, sizes and flavors voted for their candidate of choice. And to no one's surprise the people decided that not being gay and not killing babies is more important than the economy, environment, stagnating war in non-Islamic, non-terrorist-related Iraq and health care.
But this time, Florida got it right. As you all know, in 2000, the Sunshine State had a little trouble on election night. Turns out black people decided to cause a bunch of trouble and disenfranchise themselves at the polls. They made a big stink and, before you know it, the Supreme Court had to decide the election for the good of the people but against their popular vote.
But not this time. Oh, no. Florida’s governor, Jeb Bush (no relation. Oh, wait, he’s W.’s brother, isn’t he?) and Secretary of State Glenda Hood (she’s the one who had to put up with all those black people who refused to vote in 2000) learned a lot in the past four years. In fact, this year, they did so well with the elections that not only was the Supreme Court not needed to deliver the vote to Bush, but all those stupid liberals and their minority friends with their stupid hats who whined about ‘voting irregularities’ didn’t even register as a twinkle in ol’ Rupert Murdock’s rich-as-fuck eyeball. And if it’s not on Fox News, it didn’t happen.
On top of that, voter turn out in Florida was so high that the number of votes cast exceeded the number of people who voted! That’s the kind of enthusiasm I’d like to see in the other states. Florida has set an excellent example for Iraq and Afghanistan to whom we are exporting America Brand™ Freedom.
All this chicanery doesn’t seem to rile the Democrats though. ‘Oh, well, we lost. Good game,’ they utter with a well-placed pat to the collective Republican backside. They’re such wimps. Do you really want such a bunch of ninnies like that running the country? If we got terroristed again they’d probably just do something pussy-shit like protect the environment. Or raise taxes on the rich. Fuck that. The Democrats don’t deserve to be one of the two dominant political parties in this country. We need a party with more balls. Like Ralph Nader’s Fuck America, I Am God party. FAIAG for short.
Bush, on the other hand, is a badass. Just look at what he did to the Clean Air Act. Hannibal Lector couldn’t have gutted Clarice Starling so well. And the Patriot Act? No shitty Democrat could have pulled that off. On top of that, Bush has disproved science! Look at this excerpt from a debate between Bush and Science:
Science: What about safe sex?
Bush: No such thing. Condoms cause the AIDS. And they’re for gays. Gays are the Devil.
Science: Wow. We hear you have some new evidence on the topic of evolution.
Bush: Never happened. God made the earth from Jesus’s left nut.
Science: Global warming?
Bush: No such thing.
Science: How do you explain the increased frequency of extreme weather conditions? The hurricanes in Florida this year?
Bush: Explain it? I just don’t worry about it. You shouldn’t either.
Science: No shit? How do you feel about clear cutting forests, strip mining, and oceanic oil drilling?
Bush: I feel great about them. They’re great for the environment and they help fight terrerism.
Science: Well, I’m convinced. You’ve really set my heart at ease, Mr. Bush.
See how he did that? What can you learn from books that you can’t learn from shooting ‘coons (the four-legged ones) on your daddy’s million acre ranch, driving two Texas oil companies into the ground, being an alcoholic and finding Jesus anyway? That’s right, not much.
But enough about domestic affairs. Bush’s strength is in his fareign policy. His strategery is like to put the great negotiators to shame. You think Attila the Hun, Napoleon or Hitler could have done so well?
Just look how he diplomacied Afghanistan into submission. And Iraq? ‘Oh, but Iraq didn’t have anything to do with terrorism, pd! In fact, it’s the only secular Arab nation in the middle east.’ Fuck that. Bush invaded Iraq to send a message to the Terrists. By invading Iraq, we’re saying: Terrists, if you actually had a single nation of origin, a cohesive leadership structure, or anything other than an undying hatred of American arrogance that characterized your organization, this is what we’d do to you. It’s just a convenient coincidence that Iraq has an estimated 300 billion dollars in untouched oil reserves. Just like it’s a coincidence that Cheney is paid by Halliburton five times what he’s paid for his position as Vice President and Halliburton was awarded a no-bid contract to fix Iraq.
For all his aversion to butt pirates, Bush has no problem bending the entire world over and fucking it up the ass. Of course, that's not a gay thing. It's a power thing. Like when you're in prison.
I feel so comfortable with Bush in the Oval Office. Not only will my family be protected from TERRISTS!! OH NOES!!1!one but also from assault by wedded homosexuals wielding rainbows in their freshly manicured hands. And on top of that all those teenagers who are having sex without protection because they’ve been denied proper information on contraceptives by Bush’s Abstinence or Die educational mandate will be able to raise their children in the poverty that often results from life-long social disruption that is teen pregnancy. Hurray!
But some aren’t as happy with the Bush Reich. Like those insurgents in Iraq. Ungrateful motherfuckers. We should shove democracy so far up their asses that they can taste freedom in the back of their throats. Hmm, I think I can taste freedom now… oh, wait, that’s just bile. Damn Mesican food. Speaking of minorities: the greatest thing about the Republican Party is the diversity. When the richest most powerful white men in the country tell the most ignorant, misinformed crackers in the Midwest what to believe, what problems can’t be solved with an over application of military might?
Four more years of enforcing freedom the world over with the iron fist of democracy!
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